1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:05,004
<i>[Anya Marina's "Not Mine"]</i>

2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,549
<i>♪ ♪</i>

3
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,549
<i>♪ ♪</i>

4
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<i>- ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

5
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{\an8}<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

6
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:14,431
{\an8}<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

7
00:00:14,514 --> 00:00:16,057
<i>♪ I cannot touch that thing ♪</i>

8
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:17,600
<i>♪ It is not mine ♪</i>

9
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,602
<i>♪ I do not take,</i>
<i>I do not take ♪</i>

10
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,602
<i>♪ I do not take,</i>
<i>I do not take ♪</i>

11
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<i>♪ No matter how you shine ♪</i>

12
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<i>♪ I cannot take a gift ♪</i>

13
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<i>♪ That isn't true ♪</i>

14
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<i>♪ That isn't true ♪</i>

15
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<i>♪ I love myself,</i>
<i>I love myself ♪</i>

16
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<i>♪ Too much to love you ♪</i>

17
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- Thank you, guys.

18
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,947
[cheers and applause]

19
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,947
[cheers and applause]

20
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:33,950
Thank you,
thank you.

21
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:37,746
New York, thank you.

22
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:37,746
New York, thank you.

23
00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,249
Stop it.

24
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,543
Stop it.

25
00:00:41,332 --> 00:00:43,543
Stop it.

26
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:45,545
How are you guys?

27
00:00:45,628 --> 00:00:47,464
[cheers and applause]

28
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:50,008
Yeah,
I am whoo too.

29
00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:50,008
Yeah,
I am whoo too.

30
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:53,136
I'm feeling whoo.

31
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,846
I--it's so good
to be here.

32
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:54,846
I--it's so good
to be here.

33
00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:56,598
I am in the prime of my life.

34
00:00:56,681 --> 00:00:57,640
I'm in my late 20s.

35
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,934
I'm 31,
and it's just--

36
00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,895
it's going great.

37
00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:04,355
I--that's a woman's age.

38
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,274
Like, I am a woman,

39
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,274
Like, I am a woman,

40
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:08,777
but I don't feel like one
most of the time.

41
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,653
I'm still feeling like
a girl a lot of times.

42
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,489
Like, I'm still relating
to Taylor Swift songs

43
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,489
Like, I'm still relating
to Taylor Swift songs

44
00:01:12,572 --> 00:01:15,241
on a level I definitely
shouldn't, you know?

45
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:16,993
But, like, my back hurts a lot,
so I'm like,

46
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:20,830
"Oh, that's right,
I can't shake it off.

47
00:01:17,076 --> 00:01:20,830
"Oh, that's right,
I can't shake it off.

48
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,249
"Like, I wish--

49
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,668
I wish I could."

50
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,668
I wish I could."

51
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:27,754
I'm on Snapchat, you know?

52
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,048
But, like, I Google
bunion surgery every day,

53
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,048
But, like, I Google
bunion surgery every day,

54
00:01:30,131 --> 00:01:34,552
so looking into that.

55
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:36,638
It's weird, like, I feel
confident most of the time,

56
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:36,638
It's weird, like, I feel
confident most of the time,

57
00:01:36,721 --> 00:01:38,264
but there are times
when I'm like, "Ugh."

58
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:39,682
Like, the other day,
I got jealous

59
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:41,184
of a dog's thigh gap.

60
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I'm not proud of that.

61
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,268
I'm not proud of that.

62
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:43,353
[laughter]

63
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:46,314
Just like,
"How does she do it?

64
00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:47,565
"I have to switch to kibble.

65
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,192
"I just got to do it.

66
00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:49,192
"I just got to do it.

67
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:50,109
Bitch."

68
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:52,153
But I'm just, like,

69
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:52,153
But I'm just, like,

70
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not where I should be,
I feel, as a 31-year-old.

71
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,742
I don't want a lot of things
that girls my age want.

72
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:58,868
I don't want kids.

73
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:58,868
I don't want kids.

74
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I do want a baby, though,

75
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,080
so it's like,
ugh, you know?

76
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:03,873
'Cause that's--

77
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they become that, and so...

78
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,376
they become that, and so...

79
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,086
Yeah, I do want a baby,
but, like,

80
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:09,671
I feel like
most women want babies,

81
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:11,756
and that's maybe
why so many of us exist,

82
00:02:09,754 --> 00:02:11,756
and that's maybe
why so many of us exist,

83
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:14,008
'cause babies are so cute,
everyone wants one.

84
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They're like the puppies
of humans, I've heard.

85
00:02:14,092 --> 00:02:16,344
They're like the puppies
of humans, I've heard.

86
00:02:16,427 --> 00:02:18,388
I think a scientist
said that once,

87
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and, you know, it's like--
and that's all

88
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you hear women say
when they're gonna have kids.

89
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They're like,
"Oh, we're trying for a baby.

90
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,936
"Oh, we're gonna have a baby.

91
00:02:25,019 --> 00:02:26,396
"We just had a baby.
Baby."

92
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,147
And it's like,
"Yeah, I know, but, like,

93
00:02:26,479 --> 00:02:28,147
And it's like,
"Yeah, I know, but, like,

94
00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:30,567
"eventually it's just gonna be
some dude named Doug.

95
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:31,860
"You know that, right?

96
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,363
Like,
it's just gonna be a guy."

97
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:35,363
Like,
it's just gonna be a guy."

98
00:02:35,446 --> 00:02:36,990
Like, it's always "baby,"
but it's like,

99
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it's a baby this much
of the time you know it,

100
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and then it's all Doug.

101
00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:40,660
and then it's all Doug.

102
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Like, it's just a--
no one's ever like,

103
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:45,832
"Oh, we're having a man."

104
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,334
[laughter]

105
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[laughter]

106
00:02:49,544 --> 00:02:51,337
That's what you should say.

107
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"Yeah, I don't want a Doug."

108
00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:52,922
"Yeah, I don't want a Doug."

109
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,383
"I don't," but the thing is,
I do want a baby.

110
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I have baby fever.

111
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,428
Like, I see a baby,
and I'm like, "Ugh."

112
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,428
Like, I see a baby,
and I'm like, "Ugh."

113
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,513
My body's just like,
"Make one," like,

114
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:02,724
I just--
but again, you know,

115
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,809
like, it'll strike you
in the weirdest times.

116
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,809
like, it'll strike you
in the weirdest times.

117
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:05,977
My boyfriend sent me a picture

118
00:03:06,060 --> 00:03:08,271
of him holding
his cousin's new baby,

119
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:09,856
and it was--
it had to have been

120
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,608
the hottest picture
I've ever seen of my boyfriend.

121
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,608
the hottest picture
I've ever seen of my boyfriend.

122
00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:13,359
I was just, like, so attracted,
'cause he was, like,

123
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:14,527
naked and fully erect,
but it was also, like--

124
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:17,238
[laughter]

125
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:17,238
[laughter]

126
00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:18,698
That was it.

127
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:22,285
I was like, "You never
hold me like that, you know?

128
00:03:18,781 --> 00:03:22,285
I was like, "You never
hold me like that, you know?

129
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:25,121
Just for Caleb?"
Ugh.

130
00:03:25,204 --> 00:03:27,457
No, he was clothed.

131
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,208
Still erect,
but clothed, and--

132
00:03:27,540 --> 00:03:29,208
Still erect,
but clothed, and--

133
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:30,293
[laughter]

134
00:03:30,376 --> 00:03:31,961
But he was just
holding this baby.

135
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,631
He just looked like a father,
and I was just like, "Oh."

136
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,631
He just looked like a father,
and I was just like, "Oh."

137
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:36,507
Like, it was so hot,
but I was like,

138
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:38,801
"I'll never have that, like,
'cause I don't want kids."

139
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,179
So I was like,
"Is there a way he could,

140
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:41,179
So I was like,
"Is there a way he could,

141
00:03:41,262 --> 00:03:43,139
like, fuck me holding a baby?"

142
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:46,142
Like, we could just, like,
borrow a friend's baby

143
00:03:43,222 --> 00:03:46,142
Like, we could just, like,
borrow a friend's baby

144
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:47,644
for a few minutes.

145
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:49,812
Like, not--don't think--
it's nothing gross.

146
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:51,564
Like, he would just
hold it like this.

147
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:52,899
It wouldn't even know.

148
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:52,899
It wouldn't even know.

149
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:55,193
It would feel soothed
and rocked, I feel like.

150
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:57,820
It might fall asleep.
I don't know.

151
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,113
If it wakes up,
we'll blindfold it.

152
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,113
If it wakes up,
we'll blindfold it.

153
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:01,324
Like, I don't want
to damage your baby either,

154
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,201
you know?

155
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,036
Or if you have, like,
a blind baby,

156
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:05,036
Or if you have, like,
a blind baby,

157
00:04:05,119 --> 00:04:06,329
that would be perfect.

158
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:08,498
[laughter]

159
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,458
Is this weird, you guys?

160
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:10,458
Is this weird, you guys?

161
00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:13,002
Is that a weird question?

162
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,003
I do--I like kids.

163
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,463
I'm not good with kids, though.

164
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,507
Some people are just
naturally good with kids,

165
00:04:15,546 --> 00:04:17,507
Some people are just
naturally good with kids,

166
00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:18,299
like Bill Cosby.

167
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:21,511
Like, he was so great with kids.

168
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:22,512
We forget that.

169
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:22,512
We forget that.

170
00:04:22,595 --> 00:04:24,847
He was great with kids.

171
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:25,932
Women not so much,

172
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:29,811
but kids, just mmm!

173
00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:29,811
but kids, just mmm!

174
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,146
I'm not--I mean,
I babysat for years,

175
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,482
'cause this family
just never came home, but...

176
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:34,482
'cause this family
just never came home, but...

177
00:04:34,565 --> 00:04:36,067
[laughter]

178
00:04:36,150 --> 00:04:38,027
That was difficult.
It's hard.

179
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:38,987
Babysitting is hard.

180
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,363
It's like, "Ugh."

181
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,363
It's like, "Ugh."

182
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:41,614
'Cause it's like,
you're a mother,

183
00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,324
but you don't love them,

184
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,201
so it's, like, hard to care.

185
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:46,869
You know what I mean?

186
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:46,869
You know what I mean?

187
00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:48,579
I'm just like, "Your kid
doesn't look like me.

188
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,540
Like, I don't care
what happens."

189
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,291
Like, I wouldn't be mean,
but I was just like,

190
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,291
Like, I wouldn't be mean,
but I was just like,

191
00:04:52,375 --> 00:04:54,085
"You can go watch TV.
You're not gonna be president.

192
00:04:54,168 --> 00:04:55,169
Let's be honest with ourselves.

193
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:58,131
Like, you know?"

194
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:58,131
Like, you know?"

195
00:04:58,214 --> 00:04:59,966
I'm sure your kids
are different, though.

196
00:05:00,049 --> 00:05:01,217
[laughter]

197
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,345
I--yeah, I just feel
like I'm past my prime

198
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,345
I--yeah, I just feel
like I'm past my prime

199
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,847
to have kids a little bit.

200
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:07,849
Like, I feel like I should have
done it in my teens.

201
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,600
Like, that would have
been the best time.

202
00:05:07,932 --> 00:05:09,600
Like, that would have
been the best time.

203
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,020
It's like they discourage it
almost exclusively,

204
00:05:12,103 --> 00:05:13,229
but they shouldn't.

205
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:15,857
Like, when I was
in high school,

206
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:15,857
Like, when I was
in high school,

207
00:05:15,940 --> 00:05:18,234
I was, like--
I was--I'm busy now,

208
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,445
but, like, what was
I doing then, you know?

209
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,445
but, like, what was
I doing then, you know?

210
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,697
Like, homework?
Not really.

211
00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:24,574
Like, I had five years

212
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,410
to just do whatever I wanted,
you know?

213
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,410
to just do whatever I wanted,
you know?

214
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,121
All I did was eat cereal
and watch "Saved by the Bell."

215
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:34,751
Like, you can have a baby
through all of that.

216
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:34,751
Like, you can have a baby
through all of that.

217
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:36,169
It's a great time to do it.

218
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:36,836
First of all,
your body bounces right back,

219
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,213
so that's sweet.

220
00:05:36,919 --> 00:05:39,213
so that's sweet.

221
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:40,840
Like, when you're 16
and you have a baby

222
00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,050
at, like, 11:00 a.m., you can be
at cheerleading practice

223
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,469
at 4:00,
top of the pyramid,

224
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:44,469
at 4:00,
top of the pyramid,

225
00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,054
ready to go.

226
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,430
Maybe not the top.

227
00:05:47,513 --> 00:05:49,182
You're still a little leaky,
but you're there.

228
00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:50,266
You could be there.

229
00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:54,604
I'm sure you're suited up.

230
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,230
Also,
if I had a baby now,

231
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:57,774
like, my parents
couldn't help me at all.

232
00:05:57,857 --> 00:05:58,941
They live in St. Louis.
I'm in L.A.

233
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,318
Like,
it would be too hard,

234
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,737
but if--if you're in high school
and you have a kid,

235
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:02,737
but if--if you're in high school
and you have a kid,

236
00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,822
like, you live
with your mom and dad

237
00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:05,448
or probably just your mom.

238
00:06:05,531 --> 00:06:07,116
Let's be honest.

239
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,701
[laughter]

240
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,701
[laughter]

241
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,870
Yeah, your dad probably
split a while ago,

242
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:13,289
but your mom's there,
you know?

243
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,583
She's hanging out,
vaping,

244
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:15,583
She's hanging out,
vaping,

245
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,210
watching "Dr. Phil,"
something like that.

246
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:21,297
Like, I feel like
that's how she busies herself.

247
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:21,297
Like, I feel like
that's how she busies herself.

248
00:06:21,380 --> 00:06:22,840
She can help.
She can--

249
00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,509
You could just
hand the baby to her

250
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,803
and be like,
"Here, Mom, try again.

251
00:06:24,592 --> 00:06:26,803
and be like,
"Here, Mom, try again.

252
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,638
"He's yours now.

253
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,348
"Yeah, you kind of
fucked up the first time,

254
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,434
"since that's mine
and I can't drive, so...

255
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:33,434
"since that's mine
and I can't drive, so...

256
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,103
"Yeah, his name's Mulligan.

257
00:06:35,186 --> 00:06:36,813
"I really feel like
you can nail it this time

258
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:41,359
if you just, like, focus
and stop playing the lottery."

259
00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:41,359
if you just, like, focus
and stop playing the lottery."

260
00:06:41,442 --> 00:06:43,236
[laughter]

261
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:46,197
That would have been
a good time.

262
00:06:43,319 --> 00:06:46,197
That would have been
a good time.

263
00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,532
I'd have it over with too.

264
00:06:47,615 --> 00:06:49,408
If I had a baby
when I was, like, 15,

265
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,662
she'd be 16 now, probably have
a granddaughter on the way.

266
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,662
she'd be 16 now, probably have
a granddaughter on the way.

267
00:06:52,745 --> 00:06:54,664
Like, that would be
perfect for me.

268
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,874
I could handle life
as a nana, you know?

269
00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:56,874
I could handle life
as a nana, you know?

270
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,669
That's what I call my grandma,
'cause when I was little,

271
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,212
I couldn't pronounce
"old bitch,"

272
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,172
so that's what I came up with,
and that's...

273
00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:03,172
so that's what I came up with,
and that's...

274
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,215
[laughter]

275
00:07:04,298 --> 00:07:05,758
No.

276
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:06,801
No, she's sweet.

277
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:08,511
She wouldn't even hurt a fly,

278
00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:08,511
She wouldn't even hurt a fly,

279
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:10,555
'cause flies don't understand
verbal abuse,

280
00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:12,598
so she would just, like,
keep screaming at it

281
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:13,933
and calling it fat,

282
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,685
and it would keep flying.

283
00:07:14,016 --> 00:07:15,685
and it would keep flying.

284
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,854
You know,
they can't hear, so...

285
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,523
No, I shouldn't do these jokes
till she's dead.

286
00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,523
No, I shouldn't do these jokes
till she's dead.

287
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,276
It's like,
I can't wait a week?

288
00:07:23,359 --> 00:07:24,527
You know,
she's very sick,

289
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:28,531
but comedy comes first.

290
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:28,531
but comedy comes first.

291
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:29,907
That's what she always said.

292
00:07:29,991 --> 00:07:31,200
She never said that, but...

293
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
[laughter]

294
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
[laughter]

295
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:36,080
But, yeah, I just--I might
change my mind, though.

296
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:38,124
I think girls change their mind
about kids a lot.

297
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,418
I got to decide
kind of soon, though.

298
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,418
I got to decide
kind of soon, though.

299
00:07:40,501 --> 00:07:42,003
If I wait too long,
I'm gonna do a surrogacy,

300
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:43,045
'cause the longer you wait
as a woman,

301
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,630
the higher the risk that,
you know,

302
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:44,630
the higher the risk that,
you know,

303
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,215
you won't get your body back,

304
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,219
and so I'm just gonna
put that on someone else.

305
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,388
It's also--
like, I just found out

306
00:07:52,471 --> 00:07:53,890
that with a surrogacy,

307
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,725
you can give your egg
to a girl,

308
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:58,728
and then it comes out of her
looking like you.

309
00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:58,728
and then it comes out of her
looking like you.

310
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,231
I didn't know--I thought it had
to look like Juno or whoever.

311
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,860
Like, I didn't know that you
could just--I found this out.

312
00:08:05,943 --> 00:08:07,403
I'm like, "Why doesn't
everyone do that?"

313
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,155
Like, I know
it's very expensive,

314
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:09,155
Like, I know
it's very expensive,

315
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:11,449
but, like, if you could do it,
why does anyone, like, say,

316
00:08:11,532 --> 00:08:13,284
"I want to have my own?"
Because to me, that's like--

317
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,619
If someone was like,

318
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,619
If someone was like,

319
00:08:14,702 --> 00:08:16,162
"Hey, do you want me
to make you a pizza?"

320
00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,289
And you're like, "No,
I want to do it myself,

321
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,916
"but thank you.

322
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,418
Yeah, I really want
to bond with my pizza."

323
00:08:19,999 --> 00:08:22,418
Yeah, I really want
to bond with my pizza."

324
00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,961
[laughter]

325
00:08:24,045 --> 00:08:26,214
I'd be like, "Really?
'Cause I can go make it for you.

326
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,132
"It'll taste the same
as if you make it,

327
00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,132
"It'll taste the same
as if you make it,

328
00:08:28,216 --> 00:08:30,176
"and also your vagina
won't be ruined,

329
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,637
so are you--you sure?"

330
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,637
so are you--you sure?"

331
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:34,263
I'm like,
"Please, make that.

332
00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,182
Sounds gross,
but I'll eat it, but..."

333
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,601
[laughter]

334
00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,601
[laughter]

335
00:08:38,684 --> 00:08:40,978
But I do--there's some things
about having your own kid

336
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:42,480
that I would be like,
"Oh, that'd be fun."

337
00:08:42,563 --> 00:08:43,856
Like, you can
make them do stuff

338
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,275
by telling them how long
you carried them.

339
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,275
by telling them how long
you carried them.

340
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,444
Like, my mom used to do that
to get me to clean my room.

341
00:08:48,527 --> 00:08:50,112
She'd be like,
"Will you clean your room?

342
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,781
I carried you
for nine months, come on."

343
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,781
I carried you
for nine months, come on."

344
00:08:51,864 --> 00:08:55,493
It never really worked on me,
'cause I was like,

345
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,078
"Don't tell me I was
in there that long.

346
00:08:55,576 --> 00:08:57,078
"Don't tell me I was
in there that long.

347
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,704
"Like, I know
how much you drink,

348
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,873
"and, like, I've never
seen you take a weekend off

349
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,458
"that I can remember.

350
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,458
"that I can remember.

351
00:09:02,541 --> 00:09:05,461
"I doubt you went nine months
when you were 25.

352
00:09:05,544 --> 00:09:07,880
"Like, I can do
the math, you know?

353
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,298
"Like, barely,
'cause you drank

354
00:09:07,964 --> 00:09:09,298
"Like, barely,
'cause you drank

355
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,176
while you were
pregnant with me, but..."

356
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:13,219
It's a struggle.

357
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:16,472
I have to go to Kumon
every night.

358
00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:16,472
I have to go to Kumon
every night.

359
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:19,308
[laughter]

360
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,311
Oh, we got some Kumon fans
in the crowd.

361
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,311
Oh, we got some Kumon fans
in the crowd.

362
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,187
[laughter]

363
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,399
What is the deal with Kumon?

364
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,399
What is the deal with Kumon?

365
00:09:26,482 --> 00:09:27,900
I'm so confused by that place.

366
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:29,360
Okay, it's, like,
a tutoring place

367
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,028
that you're supposed
to send your kids,

368
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,489
but the sign--
the logo--

369
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,489
but the sign--
the logo--

370
00:09:33,572 --> 00:09:35,574
is a bummed-out smiley face.

371
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:37,493
It's so confusing.

372
00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:39,662
It literally is, like,
a sad, depressed smi--

373
00:09:37,576 --> 00:09:39,662
It literally is, like,
a sad, depressed smi--

374
00:09:39,745 --> 00:09:41,539
it's just like,
"Kumon," like...

375
00:09:41,622 --> 00:09:42,999
[laughter]

376
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,166
I'm always like,
"What's going on?"

377
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,668
And I'm always peering in.

378
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,668
And I'm always peering in.

379
00:09:45,751 --> 00:09:47,211
They're like, "Ah,"
as I get arrested,

380
00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,879
but, like, you just, like--
I'm always like,

381
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,506
"What's going on at Kumon?"

382
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,506
"What's going on at Kumon?"

383
00:09:50,589 --> 00:09:52,008
They won't let you know,

384
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,634
but here's what I think
is happening.

385
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:55,553
I think it's, like,
a bunch of students, like,

386
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,346
at desks working on their stuff,
and then there's just,

387
00:09:55,636 --> 00:09:57,346
at desks working on their stuff,
and then there's just,

388
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:00,808
like, tutors hanging over them
just like, "Kumon."

389
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,227
Like, that's all they say,
but it works.

390
00:10:00,891 --> 00:10:03,227
Like, that's all they say,
but it works.

391
00:10:03,311 --> 00:10:05,813
[laughter]

392
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:08,190
I really hope that's it.

393
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,901
Please be it.

394
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,901
Please be it.

395
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:12,820
But, yeah.

396
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,572
So, yeah,
I might do a surrogacy.

397
00:10:12,903 --> 00:10:14,572
So, yeah,
I might do a surrogacy.

398
00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:17,283
[laughter]

399
00:10:17,366 --> 00:10:19,493
It is--it is a--
it would be kind of fun,

400
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,704
because you get to hang out
with this chick all day.

401
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,704
because you get to hang out
with this chick all day.

402
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,205
You know,
she's having your baby.

403
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:24,874
Her name's Brenda
or whatever you name her.

404
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,084
You get to name your surrogate.
I heard that.

405
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:27,084
You get to name your surrogate.
I heard that.

406
00:10:27,168 --> 00:10:27,793
I think that's a thing.

407
00:10:27,877 --> 00:10:29,712
Brenda seems fitting.

408
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,213
She's hanging out with you,
but your loved ones

409
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,256
are gonna want to know why.

410
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,507
Like, "Why--what's wrong?"

411
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:33,507
Like, "Why--what's wrong?"

412
00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:35,509
And, you know, you got to
tell them a good reason.

413
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,595
You can't just be like,
"Oh, I'm vain, so, you know...

414
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:38,888
You know that about me."

415
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:38,888
You know that about me."

416
00:10:38,971 --> 00:10:40,806
Like, you can't--
you have to have--

417
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,558
Like, you could say something
like, "Oh, I'm barren,"

418
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:45,186
and then bum everyone out,
you know?

419
00:10:42,641 --> 00:10:45,186
and then bum everyone out,
you know?

420
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:46,562
Like, that's the worst word.

421
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:48,147
And I--honestly,
I don't want to say that,

422
00:10:48,230 --> 00:10:49,815
'cause I think I might be,
and I don't want

423
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,233
to jinx it, you know,
like, I--

424
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:51,233
to jinx it, you know,
like, I--

425
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,818
Yeah, it's a miracle
I haven't been pregnant yet.

426
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:57,615
Like, something--
not even a scare, you guys.

427
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:57,615
Like, something--
not even a scare, you guys.

428
00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:58,908
Like, I'm a little suspish.

429
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:03,579
Like, things aren't
working like they should.

430
00:10:58,991 --> 00:11:03,579
Like, things aren't
working like they should.

431
00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:04,914
Like, I--
I use the pill,

432
00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:07,666
but, like, I take the pill
like people take fish oil.

433
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:11,170
Like, "Oh, this would be
good to do today."

434
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:11,170
Like, "Oh, this would be
good to do today."

435
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:16,092
Like, no,
every day, same time.

436
00:11:11,253 --> 00:11:16,092
Like, no,
every day, same time.

437
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:18,969
I can't remember,
so I switched to the IUD.

438
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,888
My doctor put me on the IUD,

439
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,888
My doctor put me on the IUD,

440
00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:22,681
and--which I don't know
if you've heard--

441
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:23,933
it's, like, the thing--

442
00:11:24,016 --> 00:11:25,393
you just, like,
set it and forget it,

443
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:28,854
and you just--you don't have
to do anything.

444
00:11:25,476 --> 00:11:28,854
and you just--you don't have
to do anything.

445
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:29,772
You got to put it--
there's a two-year,

446
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,690
and then there's a five-year.

447
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,150
I went with
the five-year lease,

448
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,150
I went with
the five-year lease,

449
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:36,195
and gonna leave it in for ten,

450
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,614
roll the dice, you know,
just see what happens.

451
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:40,950
Like, there's no way I'm gonna
remember to take it out.

452
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,452
I'm definitely gonna die
with it inside me, but...

453
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,537
[laughter]

454
00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:48,165
That's, like, certain,
you know?

455
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,334
No, it's, like, the most
painful procedure ever.

456
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:51,919
Like, I had no idea.

457
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:51,919
Like, I had no idea.

458
00:11:52,002 --> 00:11:53,629
I blacked out during it,
'cause I was drunk,

459
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:57,174
but, like, the pain
was also probably a thing,

460
00:11:53,712 --> 00:11:57,174
but, like, the pain
was also probably a thing,

461
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,801
and it was--
it's so weird,

462
00:11:58,884 --> 00:12:01,470
'cause then they do--
they do an ultrasound to, like--

463
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,721
which is--I'm like,
"This is why I'm here,

464
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,721
which is--I'm like,
"This is why I'm here,

465
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:06,934
is to never have to put
jelly on my stomach,"

466
00:12:07,017 --> 00:12:08,102
with a doctor like, "Whoa."

467
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:09,520
He's doing that.

468
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:09,520
He's doing that.

469
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:10,813
He's showing me on the screen
where it is.

470
00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:12,356
He's like,
"There it is."

471
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,150
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
it's so beautiful.

472
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,152
"Like, oh, my God.

473
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,152
"Like, oh, my God.

474
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:17,695
"My future is so bright.

475
00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,488
"Like, that's crazy.

476
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,323
"Like,
all my disposable income,

477
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,323
"Like,
all my disposable income,

478
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:22,825
"it's, like,
right in front of me.

479
00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:25,035
"Like, so many naps.

480
00:12:25,119 --> 00:12:26,078
Like, so many naps."

481
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:29,373
[laughter]

482
00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:29,373
[laughter]

483
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,667
I had him print it up
so I could give it to my mom

484
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:32,960
and, like, ruin her day.

485
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:32,960
and, like, ruin her day.

486
00:12:33,043 --> 00:12:34,336
That was fun.

487
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:35,379
It was mean.

488
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,882
It was not nice.

489
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842
She was like,
"No way,"

490
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:39,842
She was like,
"No way,"

491
00:12:39,925 --> 00:12:43,053
and I was like, "No way,
five years, maybe ten."

492
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:46,515
[laughter]

493
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:46,515
[laughter]

494
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:47,892
IUD, I recommend it.

495
00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:49,685
I forgot what the name was
so many times.

496
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:52,021
Like, I kept saying other--
there's so many acronyms

497
00:12:49,768 --> 00:12:52,021
Like, I kept saying other--
there's so many acronyms

498
00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,564
in medicine.

499
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,774
For a while I was saying--
I was bragging to my friends,

500
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:58,277
like, "I got the new
five-year UTI.

501
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:58,277
like, "I got the new
five-year UTI.

502
00:12:58,360 --> 00:12:59,820
Got it, yeah,"

503
00:12:59,904 --> 00:13:02,531
And they're like,
"Why are you dancing?

504
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,033
"That sounds terrible.

505
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:07,995
"Here's all the cranberry juice
in the world.

506
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:08,996
You'll need it."

507
00:13:08,078 --> 00:13:08,996
You'll need it."

508
00:13:09,079 --> 00:13:10,873
It's not an IED either.

509
00:13:10,956 --> 00:13:14,210
That's--don't do that.

510
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,296
IUD--I remember it now,
'cause it's "DUI" backwards.

511
00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,296
IUD--I remember it now,
'cause it's "DUI" backwards.

512
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:21,717
That's how my mom
taught me, so...

513
00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:21,717
That's how my mom
taught me, so...

514
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,387
But, yeah, so I'm gonna--
I'm gonna do that.

515
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,387
But, yeah, so I'm gonna--
I'm gonna do that.

516
00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,056
I'm gonna--this is the thing
with a surrogacy.

517
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:28,557
If someone asks you
why you're doing it,

518
00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,934
you could just make up
anything.

519
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,560
Like, no one
is a doctor, right?

520
00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:31,560
Like, no one
is a doctor, right?

521
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,270
So, like,
you could just say--

522
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,480
I mean, like,
some people are,

523
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:37,149
but, like, most people,
not doctors.

524
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:37,149
but, like, most people,
not doctors.

525
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,735
So, if they're like,
"Why are you doing a surrogacy?"

526
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:42,363
I can just be like,
"Oh, I'm just doing one...

527
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,447
"Actually, Brenda's
having my baby for me.

528
00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:43,447
"Actually, Brenda's
having my baby for me.

529
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:46,659
"I'm glad you asked.

530
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,079
"My vagina's too small
for a baby, so...

531
00:13:46,742 --> 00:13:50,079
"My vagina's too small
for a baby, so...

532
00:13:50,162 --> 00:13:54,124
I mean, it's, like,
so tight in there that, like..."

533
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,584
[laughter]

534
00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,584
[laughter]

535
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,629
"Well, I have TPS,
which is tight pussy syndrome,

536
00:13:58,712 --> 00:14:00,506
"as you know, as--
You didn't know?

537
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:03,759
"Yes, it's, like--well,
the word 'pussy,' it is in it.

538
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:03,759
"Yes, it's, like--well,
the word 'pussy,' it is in it.

539
00:14:03,842 --> 00:14:05,594
"I know that seems weird.

540
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,513
"It does,
but when it's this tight,

541
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,513
"It does,
but when it's this tight,

542
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:09,265
"it's--medically,
it's called a pussy.

543
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:11,517
"That's true, so...

544
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,102
"And I don't usually
tell people this,

545
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:13,102
"And I don't usually
tell people this,

546
00:14:13,185 --> 00:14:15,437
"so could you just,
like, tell everyone?

547
00:14:15,521 --> 00:14:16,855
"That would be great.
Thank you so much.

548
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,440
Thank you.
Come on, Brenda,"

549
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,191
And she's on a leash,
and we just walk off like,

550
00:14:18,524 --> 00:14:19,191
And she's on a leash,
and we just walk off like,

551
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,443
"Bye."

552
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,320
[laughter]

553
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,948
But you got to sell it.
You got to walk like this.

554
00:14:23,404 --> 00:14:25,948
But you got to sell it.
You got to walk like this.

555
00:14:26,031 --> 00:14:28,867
[gasping and whimpering]

556
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,953
"So tight,
oh, the burden."

557
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,953
"So tight,
oh, the burden."

558
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:33,956
[laughter]

559
00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:35,457
That's my dream.

560
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,293
I'm like, "Ugh,"
doesn't hurt.

561
00:14:35,541 --> 00:14:37,293
I'm like, "Ugh,"
doesn't hurt.

562
00:14:37,376 --> 00:14:41,213
[laughter]

563
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:44,216
I'm gonna do that.

564
00:14:41,297 --> 00:14:44,216
I'm gonna do that.

565
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,092
But, yeah,
I don't want kids yet.

566
00:14:45,175 --> 00:14:46,468
I don't want to get married.

567
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,304
It helps that my boyfriend
doesn't want to marry me,

568
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:51,098
so that's like--

569
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:51,098
so that's like--

570
00:14:51,181 --> 00:14:53,100
That's convenient.

571
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:54,893
For a while, he was like,
"I don't want to get married

572
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:54,893
For a while, he was like,
"I don't want to get married

573
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:56,145
until gay people
can get married."

574
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:57,146
And then I was like,
"They can!"

575
00:14:57,229 --> 00:14:59,440
He was like,
"Yeah, I never thought

576
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:01,358
that would happen, so..."

577
00:14:59,523 --> 00:15:01,358
that would happen, so..."

578
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:02,484
I was like,
"Oh, I thought that was weird

579
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:06,488
you were protesting
all those times, so..."

580
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,657
He doesn't want to get marr--
I don't really c--

581
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,657
He doesn't want to get marr--
I don't really c--

582
00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:09,742
I don't need, like,
a big reception.

583
00:15:09,825 --> 00:15:12,453
I don't want a whole to-do.

584
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,330
I never want to have
to slow-dance with my dad

585
00:15:12,536 --> 00:15:14,330
I never want to have
to slow-dance with my dad

586
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:16,332
in front of all of my friends.

587
00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:17,791
Like, that seems--

588
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,209
like, that's something
we do alone together,

589
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:19,209
like, that's something
we do alone together,

590
00:15:19,293 --> 00:15:19,877
and I don't want to ruin that.

591
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:22,087
Like, I feel--you know?

592
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:23,839
Thank you, yeah.

593
00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:26,091
And, like, what if the band
doesn't know Ginuwine's "Pony"?

594
00:15:23,922 --> 00:15:26,091
And, like, what if the band
doesn't know Ginuwine's "Pony"?

595
00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,010
Are we supposed to just,
like, freestyle

596
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:29,887
to whatever they come up with?

597
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,806
That seems humiliating,
you know?

598
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:32,806
That seems humiliating,
you know?

599
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,017
Uh-uh.

600
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:35,517
So, yeah.

601
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,977
So, yeah.

602
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,977
So, yeah.

603
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,977
So, yeah.

604
00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,562
I also don't like the fact
that when you get married,

605
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,397
as a woman you just kind of
give up your last name.

606
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,525
Like, you really--it's nice
to take your husband's name,

607
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:43,525
Like, you really--it's nice
to take your husband's name,

608
00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:44,818
but then you're like,
"Oh, this thing

609
00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:46,320
"I've had my whole life
that's my whole identity

610
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:49,615
"that my great-grandparents
came through Ellis Island with?

611
00:15:46,403 --> 00:15:49,615
"that my great-grandparents
came through Ellis Island with?

612
00:15:49,698 --> 00:15:50,532
"I'll just throw it
in the trash.

613
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,992
This guy seems cool.
Bye."

614
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:54,536
Like, that's--
What?

615
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,288
You really, like--
your name is nothing

616
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,288
You really, like--
your name is nothing

617
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:57,790
after you get married.

618
00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,375
All it is
is, like, your shithead son's

619
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,709
bank account
security question answer.

620
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,545
That's all your name is.

621
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,545
That's all your name is.

622
00:16:03,629 --> 00:16:05,047
[laughter]

623
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,882
What?

624
00:16:06,965 --> 00:16:08,967
Only time it comes up, yeah.

625
00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,053
[applause]

626
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,722
And he's got to call you,
'cause he doesn't even know it.

627
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:13,722
And he's got to call you,
'cause he doesn't even know it.

628
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,891
Like,
that's the one call

629
00:16:15,974 --> 00:16:17,810
you get from him a month.

630
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,478
"Mom, I'm locked
out of my account again.

631
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,478
"Mom, I'm locked
out of my account again.

632
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:21,063
Hey, what's your old name?"

633
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:22,398
[laughter]

634
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:23,732
He calls it an old name.

635
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,234
You're like,
"You mean my maiden name?"

636
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,234
You're like,
"You mean my maiden name?"

637
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:26,318
He's like, "Whatever."

638
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:27,611
"Uh, Jones."

639
00:16:27,695 --> 00:16:28,570
He's like,
"Can you spell it?"

640
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,155
And you're like,
"Fucking Doug.

641
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,116
Like, Jesus Christ."

642
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:32,116
Like, Jesus Christ."

643
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:33,534
[laughter]

644
00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:36,787
"Why couldn't you stay a baby?"

645
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,956
That is weird
that that's the question

646
00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:38,956
That is weird
that that's the question

647
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:40,416
that they came up with.

648
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:42,626
Like, the banks were like,
"What worthless piece

649
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:45,045
"of information
could we ask for

650
00:16:42,710 --> 00:16:45,045
"of information
could we ask for

651
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:49,466
"that no one would ever
know about this man

652
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:49,466
"that no one would ever
know about this man

653
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,219
to protect his finances?"

654
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:54,930
And some guy's like,
"What about his mother's name?"

655
00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,975
And they're like, "Perfect.
Who gives a shit, right?"

656
00:16:58,058 --> 00:16:59,560
[laughter]

657
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,270
"His mother's name."

658
00:16:59,643 --> 00:17:01,270
"His mother's name."

659
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:02,604
[laughter]

660
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:06,692
That's the question?
That's--so is that--

661
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:08,152
That seems like something
people should know about you,

662
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:08,152
That seems like something
people should know about you,

663
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:12,281
but it's that question,
then your first concert.

664
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,657
So it's your name,

665
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:13,657
So it's your name,

666
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,117
and then your son's
first concert are just--

667
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,910
Your name and Limp Bizkit

668
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,121
are just fighting
for the top spot.

669
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:19,121
are just fighting
for the top spot.

670
00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,165
[laughter]

671
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,792
So rude.

672
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,377
Your name really just--
you're just like,

673
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,377
Your name really just--
you're just like,

674
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:26,795
"I don't really see it anymore."

675
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,756
Sometimes women get divorced,
but they keep

676
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,799
their ex-husband's last names
'cause they're just like,

677
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,134
"I just don't want
to go to the DMV.

678
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,134
"I just don't want
to go to the DMV.

679
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:33,802
"Like, I don't care.

680
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,637
"Like, I'll just live
with this man's name I hate

681
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,847
because I don't want
to wait in line."

682
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:40,142
Like, I get it.
'Cause your name disappears.

683
00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:40,142
Like, I get it.
'Cause your name disappears.

684
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,270
That's why I want to marry
someone with my same last name,

685
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:43,270
That's why I want to marry
someone with my same last name,

686
00:17:43,353 --> 00:17:44,646
save the trouble.

687
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,190
Not a cousin,
'cause they're poor,

688
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,317
but, like, a--

689
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,902
like, uh--
like another Glaser.

690
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,902
like, uh--
like another Glaser.

691
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,153
I could find one and--
but if we had kids,

692
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,198
I would still make my kids
hyphenate their names

693
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:55,491
just to be a dick about it.

694
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:55,491
just to be a dick about it.

695
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,117
I don't know.

696
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:01,455
Like, they'd be like, "Mom,
why are we Glaser-Glaser?"

697
00:17:57,201 --> 00:18:01,455
Like, they'd be like, "Mom,
why are we Glaser-Glaser?"

698
00:18:01,538 --> 00:18:03,332
I'm like, "I don't know.
I want you to sound like

699
00:18:03,415 --> 00:18:05,125
tiny little law firms, okay?"

700
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,835
That's--that's why.

701
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,670
[laughter]

702
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,670
[laughter]

703
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,839
"This is my son,
Cooper Glaser-Glaser

704
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,841
"and Associates.

705
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,219
His sister, Associates."

706
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,219
His sister, Associates."

707
00:18:15,302 --> 00:18:17,179
"It's a strange name, yeah."

708
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,932
[laughter]

709
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,932
[laughter]

710
00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:22,643
But, yeah,
so I'm gonna do that.

711
00:18:20,015 --> 00:18:22,643
But, yeah,
so I'm gonna do that.

712
00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:23,852
But we've been together--
my boyfriend and I--

713
00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:25,103
we've been together,
like, three years.

714
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,689
We've broken up,
like, three times,

715
00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,689
We've broken up,
like, three times,

716
00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:29,191
but we always get back together,
so we're gonna make it,

717
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:33,278
and that's, like,
really promising.

718
00:18:29,274 --> 00:18:33,278
and that's, like,
really promising.

719
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:34,279
No, it is.

720
00:18:34,363 --> 00:18:35,781
It's been good.

721
00:18:35,864 --> 00:18:37,699
He broke up with me once
'cause he kind of, like,

722
00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:39,034
found out I was lying
about who I was

723
00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:42,162
in the beginning
of our relationship

724
00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:43,705
to kind of
trap him into one.

725
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,834
I was like, "I didn't know
I wasn't supposed to do that.

726
00:18:43,789 --> 00:18:46,834
I was like, "I didn't know
I wasn't supposed to do that.

727
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:49,920
Like--but what if
I don't like me?"

728
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,713
[laughter]

729
00:18:50,003 --> 00:18:51,713
[laughter]

730
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:54,800
I really was, like, pretending
to be this version of a girl

731
00:18:54,883 --> 00:18:55,926
that he would fall
in love with.

732
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:57,553
You know, I was just
walking around like,

733
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:57,553
You know, I was just
walking around like,

734
00:18:57,636 --> 00:18:59,054
"What would Khaleesi do?"

735
00:18:59,137 --> 00:19:00,639
Like, I just--
I didn't know what--

736
00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,724
I was like, "He likes that show,
I think, you know?"

737
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,143
So I just, like,
walked around topless,

738
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,143
So I just, like,
walked around topless,

739
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:05,269
got a bunch of lizards.

740
00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:08,564
I didn't
think it through, but...

741
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:09,606
I hid a couple things.

742
00:19:08,647 --> 00:19:09,606
I hid a couple things.

743
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,233
I wasn't lying about who I was.

744
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:15,112
I kind of put--I feel like
I put Spanx on my personality.

745
00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:15,112
I kind of put--I feel like
I put Spanx on my personality.

746
00:19:15,195 --> 00:19:16,530
Like, I was just, like,

747
00:19:16,613 --> 00:19:18,282
tucking some things in,
you know?

748
00:19:18,365 --> 00:19:20,617
Here's a--like--
I don't know.

749
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,619
Like, he's a lot cleaner
than I am.

750
00:19:20,701 --> 00:19:22,619
Like, he's a lot cleaner
than I am.

751
00:19:22,703 --> 00:19:24,079
We were getting ready
for bed once,

752
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,831
and you know
when you're, like, first,

753
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:26,999
like, hanging out with someone
and you start sleeping over,

754
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,585
and your hygiene habits
kind of meet up,

755
00:19:27,082 --> 00:19:29,585
and your hygiene habits
kind of meet up,

756
00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:32,462
and yours are just, like,
not really up to snuff?

757
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:33,964
But you just, like, fake it.

758
00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:33,964
But you just, like, fake it.

759
00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:34,798
You're just like,
"I always brush them this long.

760
00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,258
"That's cool, yeah.

761
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:38,927
"Oh, you get the bottoms?
That's neat.

762
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,763
I'll try that.
All right."

763
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,763
I'll try that.
All right."

764
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,557
And then my arm is going numb.
He's still going.

765
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,685
I'm just like,
"Cool, we're still doing this?"

766
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,685
I'm just like,
"Cool, we're still doing this?"

767
00:19:46,768 --> 00:19:48,103
Like, I get through that.

768
00:19:48,186 --> 00:19:49,688
I'm, like, headed
out of the bathroom.

769
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:50,939
He's like,
"You got to floss,"

770
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,942
and I was like,
"You got to floss.

771
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,942
and I was like,
"You got to floss.

772
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,903
What am I doing?
Okay, here we go."

773
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,280
I'm just like,
just gushing blood,

774
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:58,280
I'm just like,
just gushing blood,

775
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,741
just like, "What?

776
00:20:00,824 --> 00:20:02,409
"That's not--
this never happens.

777
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,786
"I must have hit something.
This is weird.

778
00:20:02,492 --> 00:20:04,786
"I must have hit something.
This is weird.

779
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:07,456
"This is the first time.

780
00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:08,707
"Both ends are on our period.

781
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,792
Is that not right?
Okay."

782
00:20:08,790 --> 00:20:10,792
Is that not right?
Okay."

783
00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,128
[laughter]

784
00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:17,007
Don't say that.

785
00:20:13,211 --> 00:20:17,007
Don't say that.

786
00:20:17,090 --> 00:20:18,884
So, yeah, he's--

787
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,219
we've been taking showers
together recently,

788
00:20:18,967 --> 00:20:21,219
we've been taking showers
together recently,

789
00:20:21,303 --> 00:20:23,555
which is, like, mmm,
'cause I just think he, like,

790
00:20:23,639 --> 00:20:26,475
wants me to shower more,
so that's cool.

791
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,893
I'll take what
I can get, like...

792
00:20:26,558 --> 00:20:27,893
I'll take what
I can get, like...

793
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:29,478
He's like, "Let's get in."
I'm like, "Whoo."

794
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:32,689
He's just, like, scrubbing
my back a little too much.

795
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,066
I'm like,
"What are you doing?"

796
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:34,066
I'm like,
"What are you doing?"

797
00:20:34,149 --> 00:20:35,651
And I was like,
"Do you want a blow job?"

798
00:20:35,734 --> 00:20:36,985
He's like, "Let's get
your feet first."

799
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:38,737
I'm like,
"Okay, all right."

800
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,364
And I was like, "Do you have,
like, a foot fetish?"

801
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:40,364
And I was like, "Do you have,
like, a foot fetish?"

802
00:20:40,447 --> 00:20:42,908
He's like, "No, you have
a foot fungus,

803
00:20:42,991 --> 00:20:44,201
"and you should get
this looked at.

804
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:45,494
It's of concern."

805
00:20:44,284 --> 00:20:45,494
It's of concern."

806
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,496
I'm like,
"It doesn't scrub off."

807
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,498
[laughter]

808
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,167
But he's, like, a clean freak.
You can't compete with that.

809
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:52,167
But he's, like, a clean freak.
You can't compete with that.

810
00:20:52,250 --> 00:20:53,877
Like, he takes up to
three showers a week,

811
00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:54,795
and it's like,
"We get it, Dr. Oz.

812
00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:57,631
Like, ugh."

813
00:20:54,878 --> 00:20:57,631
Like, ugh."

814
00:20:57,714 --> 00:20:58,840
I don't know.

815
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,051
I just--I am
a very fast showerer.

816
00:21:01,134 --> 00:21:02,344
He's always like, "How do you
get anything done in there?"

817
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:03,929
And I'm just like,
"You know what?

818
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:03,929
And I'm just like,
"You know what?

819
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:05,180
"I came from a house

820
00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:08,058
"where we didn't shower
for very long,

821
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,768
"'cause we didn't have
a lot of hot water,

822
00:21:08,141 --> 00:21:09,768
"'cause we didn't have
a lot of hot water,

823
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:11,269
"and my dad watched us,
so, you know,

824
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:12,229
we just got in and out."

825
00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:14,690
We all know
that family, so...

826
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:15,899
[laughter]

827
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:15,899
[laughter]

828
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:18,610
But it's been good.

829
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,697
I broke up with him
the first time

830
00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:21,697
I broke up with him
the first time

831
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:23,156
because we were
a year into our relationship,

832
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,535
and he would not say
"I love you."

833
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,370
A year in,
and I needed to hear it,

834
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,370
A year in,
and I needed to hear it,

835
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:32,457
'cause my friends told me I did,
so that's when you know.

836
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,042
That's really when you know,
'cause I was, like,

837
00:21:32,541 --> 00:21:34,042
That's really when you know,
'cause I was, like,

838
00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,043
trying to be cool
about it, like--

839
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,004
'cause friends
talk about that.

840
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,548
Girls are very aware of when
you're not saying "I love you."

841
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,548
Girls are very aware of when
you're not saying "I love you."

842
00:21:39,631 --> 00:21:40,966
It's, like,
first base for us.

843
00:21:41,049 --> 00:21:42,384
When we get together
with our girlfriends,

844
00:21:42,467 --> 00:21:43,552
we're not like,

845
00:21:43,635 --> 00:21:44,761
"Oh, did you
finger him last night?"

846
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,013
Like, we don't
care about that.

847
00:21:44,845 --> 00:21:46,013
Like, we don't
care about that.

848
00:21:46,096 --> 00:21:47,514
Like, you know,
we're just like,

849
00:21:47,597 --> 00:21:49,349
"Did he say 'I love you'?
When's he gonna say it?"

850
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:50,350
And, like, I didn't have
anything to tell them.

851
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,769
I was just--just trying
to play it cool.

852
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,769
I was just--just trying
to play it cool.

853
00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:54,479
I was like, "I don't need
to hear it, you know?

854
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,023
"I just--I know he does.

855
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,400
"Like, the way he, like,
high-fives me after sex,

856
00:21:56,106 --> 00:21:58,400
"Like, the way he, like,
high-fives me after sex,

857
00:21:58,483 --> 00:21:59,693
"like, there's no question.

858
00:21:59,776 --> 00:22:02,362
Like, you wouldn't
just do that."

859
00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:05,240
[laughter]

860
00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:05,240
[laughter]

861
00:22:05,323 --> 00:22:08,076
They were like,
"Okay, well--well, does he--

862
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,411
does he talk
about the future at all?"

863
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,411
does he talk
about the future at all?"

864
00:22:09,494 --> 00:22:11,955
And I was like, "Yeah, you know,
like, flying cars, robots,

865
00:22:12,039 --> 00:22:14,750
"like, climate change.

866
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:18,086
"We're all worried,
so he's no different,

867
00:22:14,833 --> 00:22:18,086
"We're all worried,
so he's no different,

868
00:22:18,170 --> 00:22:19,421
you know?"

869
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:22,257
Oh, but they were so mad,
and so I went back to him.

870
00:22:19,504 --> 00:22:22,257
Oh, but they were so mad,
and so I went back to him.

871
00:22:22,340 --> 00:22:23,717
I was furious too,
and I was just like,

872
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:24,718
"Why don't you love me?"
you know, like,

873
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:28,597
in a super lovable tone
and just, like,

874
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:28,597
in a super lovable tone
and just, like,

875
00:22:28,680 --> 00:22:29,806
crying in the street,

876
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,600
and he just didn't
want to say it.

877
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:34,519
He was sweet about it,
'cause he was very calm,

878
00:22:31,683 --> 00:22:34,519
He was sweet about it,
'cause he was very calm,

879
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:36,563
and it was just like--
he was honest, you know?

880
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:39,274
He was just like,
"I can't--I can't say it,"

881
00:22:36,646 --> 00:22:39,274
He was just like,
"I can't--I can't say it,"

882
00:22:39,357 --> 00:22:41,610
and I was like,
"Okay, well, let's find

883
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:42,944
"a good speech therapist.

884
00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,279
"Like, let's get you
in a program.

885
00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:46,114
"Like, honestly, I thought
this was feelings for you,

886
00:22:44,362 --> 00:22:46,114
"Like, honestly, I thought
this was feelings for you,

887
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:47,282
"but clearly it's phonics,

888
00:22:47,365 --> 00:22:49,451
"so this is, like,
such a relief.

889
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,454
"I know someone at Kumon.
This is gonna be great.

890
00:22:49,534 --> 00:22:52,454
"I know someone at Kumon.
This is gonna be great.

891
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,164
Come here, like..."

892
00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:57,042
[laughter]

893
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,627
He really--he--
this is what he did say.

894
00:22:58,710 --> 00:22:59,836
He was like--he was like,
"I can't say 'I love you.'"

895
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:00,879
I was like, "You just did.
I'll take it.

896
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:03,131
"Thank you so much.

897
00:23:00,962 --> 00:23:03,131
"Thank you so much.

898
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,633
You can stop right there.
That counts,"

899
00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:06,009
But he was like, "No."
This is what he gave me.

900
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:08,220
He was like,
"I can't say 'I love you.'"

901
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:09,888
He was like,
"But I'm enthusiastic

902
00:23:08,303 --> 00:23:09,888
He was like,
"But I'm enthusiastic

903
00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:11,181
about being with you."

904
00:23:11,264 --> 00:23:12,766
Thank--
one girl just goes...

905
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:15,435
[gasps]

906
00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:15,435
[gasps]

907
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,395
Thank you so much.

908
00:23:17,479 --> 00:23:18,605
You feel me.
I know.

909
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,817
Every girl in here is like,
"You poor bitch.

910
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:21,817
Every girl in here is like,
"You poor bitch.

911
00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,485
Like, oh, my God."

912
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:24,486
Thank you.

913
00:23:24,569 --> 00:23:25,821
Every girl has that reaction,

914
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,614
and every guy is always like,

915
00:23:25,904 --> 00:23:27,614
and every guy is always like,

916
00:23:27,697 --> 00:23:31,118
"That's one of the most sincere
things you could ever say.

917
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,870
That's better
than 'I love you.'"

918
00:23:31,201 --> 00:23:33,870
That's better
than 'I love you.'"

919
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:35,038
"I'm enthusiastic
about being with you."

920
00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:37,666
I'm like, "Oh, am
I Enterprise Rent-A-Car

921
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:40,836
"giving you a customer survey?

922
00:23:37,749 --> 00:23:40,836
"giving you a customer survey?

923
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:43,839
"Would you recommend me
to your friends

924
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,174
who are more
emotionally available?"

925
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,174
who are more
emotionally available?"

926
00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:48,343
[laughter]

927
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:49,678
I've only had, really, two
serious boyfriends in my life,

928
00:23:48,426 --> 00:23:49,678
I've only had, really, two
serious boyfriends in my life,

929
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:54,057
and the first one definitely
did not say it on his own.

930
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:57,102
He was a blackout drunk
with a twin bed,

931
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:57,102
He was a blackout drunk
with a twin bed,

932
00:23:57,185 --> 00:24:00,772
and that second part's
not really that important.

933
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,483
I just kind of
want to paint a picture.

934
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,483
I just kind of
want to paint a picture.

935
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:04,442
He had a twin bed.

936
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:05,861
He was 30 with a twin bed,

937
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,445
and I would be like,
"Can you upgrade to a full

938
00:24:05,944 --> 00:24:07,445
and I would be like,
"Can you upgrade to a full

939
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:08,822
so I feel like a woman?"

940
00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:11,074
And--that's
all it takes, you know--

941
00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:14,703
and he was like, "No,
it's an extra-long twin."

942
00:24:11,158 --> 00:24:14,703
and he was like, "No,
it's an extra-long twin."

943
00:24:14,786 --> 00:24:16,830
I was like, "Ooh,
a California twin, wow.

944
00:24:16,913 --> 00:24:18,665
"Am I Rihanna?

945
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:19,708
Jesus."

946
00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:19,708
Jesus."

947
00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:20,876
[laughter]

948
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,170
So he would get blackout drunk
all the time.

949
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:24,546
We were long-distance.

950
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,923
He would get caught
making out with girls

951
00:24:24,629 --> 00:24:26,923
He would get caught
making out with girls

952
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,466
in bars back home
where I was from.

953
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:29,676
My friends would see him.

954
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:31,386
They'd call me,
tell me about it.

955
00:24:31,469 --> 00:24:33,889
I'd call him the next day
and be like, "What the fuck?"

956
00:24:33,972 --> 00:24:35,432
He was like,
"I thought it was you,"

957
00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:36,641
and I'm just like, "Aww."

958
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,768
Like, I was flattered.

959
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:38,768
Like, I was flattered.

960
00:24:38,852 --> 00:24:39,269
Like, "Was she skinny?"

961
00:24:39,352 --> 00:24:41,897
Like, ugh.

962
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,356
So he was the worst.

963
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,317
He came to visit me
for Valentine's Day,

964
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,526
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
he's so gonna say 'I love you.'

965
00:24:46,610 --> 00:24:48,987
This is the trip,"
and I got ready.

966
00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:50,572
I told all my friends.
I'm like, "This is it."

967
00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:50,572
I told all my friends.
I'm like, "This is it."

968
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:52,073
And it was a great night.

969
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:53,909
Like, we went to this
fancy dinner that I paid for,

970
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,244
and then we were,
like, in this alley,

971
00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,244
and then we were,
like, in this alley,

972
00:24:56,328 --> 00:24:58,538
and, like, I was rubbing
his back as he vomited,

973
00:24:58,622 --> 00:25:01,333
and it was just, like,
everything I'd wanted,

974
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,835
and he just got really sick
and passed out,

975
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,835
and he just got really sick
and passed out,

976
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,170
and I was like,
"Oh, my God."

977
00:25:05,253 --> 00:25:07,088
Like, he didn't say,
"I love you."

978
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:08,173
I think he may have said,
"I hate you."

979
00:25:07,172 --> 00:25:08,173
I think he may have said,
"I hate you."

980
00:25:08,256 --> 00:25:10,217
It's like,
it was the worst time,

981
00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:11,718
but I was like,
"Wait a second.

982
00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:13,220
"When he gets blackout drunk,

983
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,764
"he doesn't remember
anything he does or says,

984
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,764
"he doesn't remember
anything he does or says,

985
00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:18,225
so I'll just make last night
whatever I want it to be."

986
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,352
So this is true,
I swear to God.

987
00:25:18,308 --> 00:25:20,352
So this is true,
I swear to God.

988
00:25:20,435 --> 00:25:22,145
I woke him up the next morning,
and I was like,

989
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:25,315
"Hey, do you remember
what you said to me last night?"

990
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,317
He was like,
"No, I'm sorry, what?"

991
00:25:25,398 --> 00:25:27,317
He was like,
"No, I'm sorry, what?"

992
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:30,528
And I was like,
"No, you told me you love me."

993
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:31,821
[laughter]

994
00:25:30,612 --> 00:25:31,821
[laughter]

995
00:25:31,905 --> 00:25:33,114
And he was like,
"I did?"

996
00:25:33,198 --> 00:25:35,992
And I was like, "Yeah,"
and he was like, "Okay,"

997
00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:38,119
and that's it.

998
00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:38,119
and that's it.

999
00:25:38,203 --> 00:25:40,038
He started saying it
after that.

1000
00:25:40,121 --> 00:25:42,123
That's--I date-raped
my boyfriend into loving me.

1001
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,292
That's what I did.

1002
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:44,292
That's what I did.

1003
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:45,710
Thank you so much.

1004
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:47,712
I took back the night.

1005
00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:52,342
[applause]

1006
00:25:47,796 --> 00:25:52,342
[applause]

1007
00:25:52,425 --> 00:25:54,678
So I--it was, like,
a pretty good plan.

1008
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:56,888
I couldn't use it, though,
with my boyfriend now

1009
00:25:54,761 --> 00:25:56,888
I couldn't use it, though,
with my boyfriend now

1010
00:25:56,972 --> 00:25:58,181
because he doesn't drink,

1011
00:25:58,265 --> 00:25:59,099
so I was like,
"What am I gonna do?"

1012
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:01,142
So this is how I got--

1013
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,645
"How am I gonna get it?"

1014
00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:03,645
"How am I gonna get it?"

1015
00:26:03,728 --> 00:26:05,522
And this is how I got it.

1016
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,649
I decided to ask him to say
"I love you"

1017
00:26:05,605 --> 00:26:07,649
I decided to ask him to say
"I love you"

1018
00:26:07,732 --> 00:26:11,903
as he was coming,
which is a great time.

1019
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,321
That's a per--

1020
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,323
Like, a guy will do anything
for you in that moment.

1021
00:26:13,405 --> 00:26:15,323
Like, a guy will do anything
for you in that moment.

1022
00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:16,366
You just got to
time it perfectly.

1023
00:26:16,449 --> 00:26:17,867
I was just like,
"Tell me you love me."

1024
00:26:17,951 --> 00:26:19,202
He was like,
"I love you."

1025
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:20,954
Like, it was just like,
"Ah, got it," you know,

1026
00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:20,954
Like, it was just like,
"Ah, got it," you know,

1027
00:26:21,037 --> 00:26:21,913
just the once,
but I got it, you know?

1028
00:26:21,997 --> 00:26:25,000
So that was
pretty cool and--

1029
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:28,003
[laughter]

1030
00:26:25,083 --> 00:26:28,003
[laughter]

1031
00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:29,087
'Cause I thought about it.

1032
00:26:29,170 --> 00:26:30,338
I was like,
"Oh, my God,

1033
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,715
guys are so vulnerable
in that moment."

1034
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:31,715
guys are so vulnerable
in that moment."

1035
00:26:31,798 --> 00:26:33,049
They will do anything

1036
00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:34,009
right before they come
up until they come.

1037
00:26:34,092 --> 00:26:36,219
Like, he--
I feel like my boyfriend

1038
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:37,637
would, like, take a bullet
to the brain for me.

1039
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:37,637
would, like, take a bullet
to the brain for me.

1040
00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:40,515
He would jump in front
of a train for me.

1041
00:26:40,598 --> 00:26:41,599
He would do anything
in a Bruno Mars song,

1042
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:44,144
pretty much,
is what I'm saying.

1043
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:44,144
pretty much,
is what I'm saying.

1044
00:26:44,227 --> 00:26:46,104
Like, definitely.

1045
00:26:46,187 --> 00:26:47,355
I feel like Bruno Mars

1046
00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:49,107
must write all his lyrics
before he comes.

1047
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:53,403
Like, that's the only way
he feels those things.

1048
00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:53,403
Like, that's the only way
he feels those things.

1049
00:26:53,486 --> 00:26:57,198
[laughter]

1050
00:26:53,486 --> 00:26:57,198
[laughter]

1051
00:26:57,282 --> 00:27:01,411
And then it is
a sharp drop-off after that.

1052
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:03,538
Right after he comes,
I feel like he's--

1053
00:27:03,621 --> 00:27:04,873
in one second,
he'd do anything for me,

1054
00:27:04,956 --> 00:27:06,458
and then he's like...
[grunts]

1055
00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:07,834
And then it's just like,
I feel like he's like,

1056
00:27:06,541 --> 00:27:07,834
And then it's just like,
I feel like he's like,

1057
00:27:07,917 --> 00:27:10,003
"What have I done?"
Like he just--

1058
00:27:10,086 --> 00:27:12,797
he wants to pretend
it didn't happen.

1059
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,049
We can't really talk about it.

1060
00:27:12,881 --> 00:27:14,049
We can't really talk about it.

1061
00:27:14,132 --> 00:27:14,841
I'm like,
"Tell me about my clit."

1062
00:27:14,924 --> 00:27:15,884
He's just like, "No."

1063
00:27:15,967 --> 00:27:18,636
Like, he doesn't--
I want to talk.

1064
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,347
He's off getting a towel.

1065
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,347
He's off getting a towel.

1066
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:21,431
I'm like,
"You can let it marinate.

1067
00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:23,892
I don't care.
Like, this is fine."

1068
00:27:23,975 --> 00:27:25,143
He's, like,
dabbing me off.

1069
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:26,770
I'm like,
"Are we having company?

1070
00:27:25,226 --> 00:27:26,770
I'm like,
"Are we having company?

1071
00:27:26,853 --> 00:27:28,104
Like, what's the rush?"

1072
00:27:28,188 --> 00:27:30,648
I'm like, "You know
this was consensual, right?

1073
00:27:30,732 --> 00:27:31,274
What are you doing?"

1074
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:34,486
He's so ashamed.

1075
00:27:31,358 --> 00:27:34,486
He's so ashamed.

1076
00:27:34,569 --> 00:27:35,987
He tries to close me
like a laptop.

1077
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:39,532
I'm like, "I'm a real woman
with feelings and thoughts

1078
00:27:36,071 --> 00:27:39,532
I'm like, "I'm a real woman
with feelings and thoughts

1079
00:27:39,616 --> 00:27:40,784
"and a career.

1080
00:27:40,867 --> 00:27:41,493
You can't do this."

1081
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:45,580
[cheers and applause]

1082
00:27:41,576 --> 00:27:45,580
[cheers and applause]

1083
00:27:51,294 --> 00:27:52,629
I think it's porn.

1084
00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:54,381
I think that's what
makes guys so ashamed

1085
00:27:54,464 --> 00:27:56,132
after they come sometimes,

1086
00:27:54,464 --> 00:27:56,132
after they come sometimes,

1087
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:58,802
'cause they're used to just
watching disgusting things.

1088
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,805
They're like, "Whoa,
that didn't happen."

1089
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:01,805
They're like, "Whoa,
that didn't happen."

1090
00:28:01,888 --> 00:28:03,431
But it did.

1091
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:04,891
You did it,
and it's like, I get it.

1092
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:07,811
Like, I don't mind
that guys watch porn.

1093
00:28:04,974 --> 00:28:07,811
Like, I don't mind
that guys watch porn.

1094
00:28:07,894 --> 00:28:09,187
I've--they all watch it,

1095
00:28:09,270 --> 00:28:10,605
and I don't care
that my boyfriend watches porn.

1096
00:28:10,688 --> 00:28:13,108
Like, I'm on the road a lot,

1097
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:15,860
so sometimes I'll ask him
to send me the porn

1098
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:15,860
so sometimes I'll ask him
to send me the porn

1099
00:28:15,944 --> 00:28:17,612
he's about to jerk off to,

1100
00:28:17,695 --> 00:28:19,155
and then I'll sit there
and watch it,

1101
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:22,033
like, just knowing
that he's jerking off to it.

1102
00:28:19,239 --> 00:28:22,033
like, just knowing
that he's jerking off to it.

1103
00:28:22,117 --> 00:28:24,661
Like, I think it's, like,
romantic, 'cause I'm like...

1104
00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:27,080
♪ Somewhere out there ♪

1105
00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:27,080
♪ Somewhere out there ♪

1106
00:28:27,163 --> 00:28:30,959
Like we're looking
at the same moon, you know?

1107
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:31,668
[laughter]

1108
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:31,668
[laughter]

1109
00:28:31,751 --> 00:28:34,045
It's beautiful kind of.

1110
00:28:34,129 --> 00:28:37,132
[laughter]

1111
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:40,051
I'm not, like, totally--
like, I don't love porn.

1112
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:40,051
I'm not, like, totally--
like, I don't love porn.

1113
00:28:37,215 --> 00:28:40,051
I'm not, like, totally--
like, I don't love porn.

1114
00:28:40,135 --> 00:28:42,804
I watch it sometimes,
mainly for tips.

1115
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:44,013
Like, I'm always looking for,

1116
00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:44,013
Like, I'm always looking for,

1117
00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:46,433
like, new tricks
I can try, you know?

1118
00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:47,809
Especially when
it comes to blow jobs.

1119
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:49,936
I'm always like--I feel
like I'm not very good at them,

1120
00:28:47,892 --> 00:28:49,936
I'm always like--I feel
like I'm not very good at them,

1121
00:28:50,019 --> 00:28:51,771
so I'm always like--
I'll check out a blow job video

1122
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:52,856
on, like, the front page,
like, something very mild.

1123
00:28:52,939 --> 00:28:54,482
I'll be like,
"Okay, this seems cool,"

1124
00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:55,900
and I'll just take some notes.

1125
00:28:54,566 --> 00:28:55,900
and I'll just take some notes.

1126
00:28:55,984 --> 00:28:58,611
Like, "What are these gals
gagging about?"

1127
00:28:58,695 --> 00:29:00,864
And just like--
you learn some things.

1128
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:03,366
You're like,
"Oh, okay, use both hands.

1129
00:29:00,947 --> 00:29:03,366
You're like,
"Oh, okay, use both hands.

1130
00:29:03,450 --> 00:29:04,159
"I can do that.
That seems cool.

1131
00:29:04,242 --> 00:29:06,828
"All right.

1132
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:10,582
"Look terrified, all right,
I'll give it a whirl.

1133
00:29:06,911 --> 00:29:10,582
"Look terrified, all right,
I'll give it a whirl.

1134
00:29:10,665 --> 00:29:12,917
"Wouldn't be
the first time, you know?

1135
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:16,171
"Be fun to revisit, okay.

1136
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:16,171
"Be fun to revisit, okay.

1137
00:29:16,254 --> 00:29:19,466
"Choke to death,
perfect, okay.

1138
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:20,758
That's how I'm gonna go, then."

1139
00:29:19,549 --> 00:29:20,758
That's how I'm gonna go, then."

1140
00:29:20,842 --> 00:29:24,762
Like, it's, like, violent stuff
on the front page.

1141
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:26,431
You don't even have to
dig for this stuff.

1142
00:29:24,846 --> 00:29:26,431
You don't even have to
dig for this stuff.

1143
00:29:26,514 --> 00:29:28,099
Every porno is just like...
[groaning]

1144
00:29:28,183 --> 00:29:30,435
It's, like,
a girl just, like, dying.

1145
00:29:30,518 --> 00:29:31,686
When did this happen?

1146
00:29:31,769 --> 00:29:34,147
I feel like
I took a break from porn,

1147
00:29:34,230 --> 00:29:35,773
and then it's all
just slobber now.

1148
00:29:35,857 --> 00:29:37,025
It's like, these girls
have so much saliva,

1149
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:38,693
and I'm like,
"I don't have that much."

1150
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:38,693
and I'm like,
"I don't have that much."

1151
00:29:38,776 --> 00:29:41,863
Like, it's making me insecure.

1152
00:29:41,946 --> 00:29:43,323
I'm like, "These bitches
look like Saint Bernards."

1153
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:47,952
Like, I don't have those,
like, frothy, foamy strands.

1154
00:29:43,406 --> 00:29:47,952
Like, I don't have those,
like, frothy, foamy strands.

1155
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:51,539
I'm like, "Do I need
an extra gland or something?"

1156
00:29:48,036 --> 00:29:51,539
I'm like, "Do I need
an extra gland or something?"

1157
00:29:51,623 --> 00:29:52,707
Like, what?

1158
00:29:52,790 --> 00:29:55,251
[laughter]

1159
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:56,085
I got to be wet up here now?

1160
00:29:55,335 --> 00:29:56,085
I got to be wet up here now?

1161
00:29:56,169 --> 00:29:58,213
Like, it's just too much.

1162
00:29:58,296 --> 00:29:59,964
[laughter]

1163
00:30:00,048 --> 00:30:00,632
I hate the way porn
has made me feel

1164
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:02,967
throughout my life.

1165
00:30:00,715 --> 00:30:02,967
throughout my life.

1166
00:30:03,051 --> 00:30:04,385
I started watching porn
when it first came out in '98,

1167
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:07,096
and it made me feel sad.

1168
00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:07,096
and it made me feel sad.

1169
00:30:07,180 --> 00:30:09,224
I hadn't even kissed a boy,

1170
00:30:09,307 --> 00:30:10,642
and I was like,
"I have to do that?"

1171
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:12,477
Like, and then I didn't
watch it forever,

1172
00:30:10,725 --> 00:30:12,477
Like, and then I didn't
watch it forever,

1173
00:30:12,560 --> 00:30:13,937
and then I checked back in
on it when I, like,

1174
00:30:14,020 --> 00:30:15,980
started being interested in,
like, having sex.

1175
00:30:16,064 --> 00:30:17,732
I was like, "Maybe I'll try it,"
and then I was watching it,

1176
00:30:17,815 --> 00:30:20,568
and I saw porn vaginas,
and I was like,

1177
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:23,071
"Mine doesn't look like that."

1178
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:24,572
Have you seen porn vaginas?

1179
00:30:23,154 --> 00:30:24,572
Have you seen porn vaginas?

1180
00:30:24,656 --> 00:30:26,074
They're just, like,
these tiny, little--

1181
00:30:26,157 --> 00:30:27,992
It's like,
God's little whisper.

1182
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,829
It's just, like,
a little suggestion.

1183
00:30:28,076 --> 00:30:31,829
It's just, like,
a little suggestion.

1184
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,748
It's--it literally is--
sometimes I'm like,

1185
00:30:33,831 --> 00:30:35,708
"Does that girl just
have a paper cut down there?

1186
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:37,252
Like, is that--looks
like it would hurt."

1187
00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:37,252
Like, is that--looks
like it would hurt."

1188
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:40,588
Like, it's just these tiny--
I haven't looked like that

1189
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:41,965
since I was seven,
to be honest.

1190
00:30:40,672 --> 00:30:41,965
since I was seven,
to be honest.

1191
00:30:42,048 --> 00:30:43,341
Like, I remember.

1192
00:30:43,424 --> 00:30:45,260
I didn't know
those were my glory days.

1193
00:30:45,343 --> 00:30:46,803
[laughter]

1194
00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:48,346
I should have
just stared at it more

1195
00:30:46,886 --> 00:30:48,346
I should have
just stared at it more

1196
00:30:48,429 --> 00:30:49,305
and been like,
"You got it, girl."

1197
00:30:49,389 --> 00:30:53,226
Like, that would
have been amazing.

1198
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:56,271
I squandered my youth.

1199
00:30:53,309 --> 00:30:56,271
I squandered my youth.

1200
00:30:56,354 --> 00:30:57,188
But, yeah,
those porn vaginas

1201
00:30:57,272 --> 00:30:58,398
made me so sad
about my own,

1202
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:02,443
because, man, my vagina
doesn't look like that,

1203
00:30:58,481 --> 00:31:02,443
because, man, my vagina
doesn't look like that,

1204
00:31:02,527 --> 00:31:04,404
and I hated it for a while.

1205
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:05,905
I just--
I was, like, so furious.

1206
00:31:04,487 --> 00:31:05,905
I just--
I was, like, so furious.

1207
00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:06,573
Every time I looked at it,
I wanted to punch it.

1208
00:31:06,656 --> 00:31:08,992
I was just like, "Ugh!"

1209
00:31:09,075 --> 00:31:10,118
And it looked like it had been
punched several times,

1210
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,620
so that's what's
weird about that.

1211
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,620
so that's what's
weird about that.

1212
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:14,122
I was like,
"Why make it worse?"

1213
00:31:14,205 --> 00:31:16,457
Sometimes I see it,
and I'm just like,

1214
00:31:16,541 --> 00:31:17,584
"Were you in
a street fight earlier?"

1215
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:21,296
Like, it just is, like--
picking gravel out.

1216
00:31:17,667 --> 00:31:21,296
Like, it just is, like--
picking gravel out.

1217
00:31:21,379 --> 00:31:22,213
Like, "Oh, God," but...

1218
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:25,633
[laughter]

1219
00:31:22,297 --> 00:31:25,633
[laughter]

1220
00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,302
Do you know what I'm talk--
but, like, you--

1221
00:31:27,385 --> 00:31:28,803
some of you
have vaginas like mine,

1222
00:31:28,886 --> 00:31:30,471
like, where you're just
like--you're like--

1223
00:31:28,886 --> 00:31:30,471
like, where you're just
like--you're like--

1224
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:32,223
Like, it looks like it's trying
to escape kind of?

1225
00:31:32,307 --> 00:31:33,308
Like, do you know what I mean?

1226
00:31:33,391 --> 00:31:34,767
Don't be ashamed.
I have it too.

1227
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,144
It's like--it's--

1228
00:31:34,851 --> 00:31:36,144
It's like--it's--

1229
00:31:36,227 --> 00:31:38,605
you could ask me,
"How's it hanging?"

1230
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:39,981
Some days, and that's fine.

1231
00:31:40,064 --> 00:31:42,317
That's--that's my body.

1232
00:31:40,064 --> 00:31:42,317
That's--that's my body.

1233
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,320
[laughter]

1234
00:31:45,403 --> 00:31:46,654
You go to get a wax,

1235
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,406
and she has to go through it
like a Rolodex.

1236
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,406
and she has to go through it
like a Rolodex.

1237
00:31:48,489 --> 00:31:49,324
"Okay, let's go."

1238
00:31:49,407 --> 00:31:51,242
[laughter]

1239
00:31:51,326 --> 00:31:52,660
No one? Just me?
Great.

1240
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,038
Great, feeling great
about my body again.

1241
00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:55,038
Great, feeling great
about my body again.

1242
00:31:55,121 --> 00:31:57,707
Thanks so much.

1243
00:31:57,790 --> 00:31:59,709
No, I do--
I feel fine about it now.

1244
00:31:59,792 --> 00:32:01,044
When I was in college,
I was, like,

1245
00:31:59,792 --> 00:32:01,044
When I was in college,
I was, like,

1246
00:32:01,127 --> 00:32:03,129
saving up money to get surgery,
and that seems crazy,

1247
00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:04,922
but a lot of girls do this,
and now I'm like,

1248
00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,675
"No way,"
'cause I was so scared.

1249
00:32:05,006 --> 00:32:07,675
"No way,"
'cause I was so scared.

1250
00:32:07,759 --> 00:32:10,053
I was just like, "No one's gonna
see it until I can fix it,"

1251
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,347
and then I got drunk,
and I was like, "Everyone in!"

1252
00:32:10,136 --> 00:32:12,347
and then I got drunk,
and I was like, "Everyone in!"

1253
00:32:12,430 --> 00:32:13,973
Like, I was like,
"Look at it.

1254
00:32:14,057 --> 00:32:15,683
Isn't that hilarious?"

1255
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:16,976
Like, you get drunk,
and you're just like--

1256
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:19,979
then you have sex
and no one cares.

1257
00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:19,979
then you have sex
and no one cares.

1258
00:32:20,063 --> 00:32:21,356
No guy has ever complained.

1259
00:32:21,439 --> 00:32:23,191
I--like, it's--
as long as it's clean

1260
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:24,025
and you share it with them,

1261
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:24,025
and you share it with them,

1262
00:32:24,108 --> 00:32:26,235
like, they don't care.

1263
00:32:26,319 --> 00:32:27,695
They don't care.

1264
00:32:27,779 --> 00:32:28,946
So now I'm not touching my--
it's good.

1265
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,240
It's--you know,
it's not great.

1266
00:32:29,030 --> 00:32:31,240
It's--you know,
it's not great.

1267
00:32:31,324 --> 00:32:32,575
You know,
it's like Venice.

1268
00:32:32,659 --> 00:32:34,035
You know, it's a little
hard to get to,

1269
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:35,536
but the canal is amazing,
and that's what I focus on.

1270
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:39,040
It's the infrastructure.

1271
00:32:35,620 --> 00:32:39,040
It's the infrastructure.

1272
00:32:39,123 --> 00:32:40,875
[laughter]

1273
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:43,544
A lot of Italians
have been in it.

1274
00:32:40,958 --> 00:32:43,544
A lot of Italians
have been in it.

1275
00:32:43,628 --> 00:32:45,088
It's like, you know...

1276
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:48,049
[laughter]

1277
00:32:45,171 --> 00:32:48,049
[laughter]

1278
00:32:48,132 --> 00:32:50,426
So that's my vagina.

1279
00:32:50,510 --> 00:32:51,719
Had to cover that.

1280
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:53,262
But, yeah, I don't know.

1281
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,391
I don't--I'm not bothered
by porn as much anymore.

1282
00:32:53,346 --> 00:32:56,391
I don't--I'm not bothered
by porn as much anymore.

1283
00:32:56,474 --> 00:32:59,102
My boyfriend got me
into porn, the industry.

1284
00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:01,062
It's been pretty lucrative.

1285
00:32:59,185 --> 00:33:01,062
It's been pretty lucrative.

1286
00:33:01,145 --> 00:33:02,772
It's--I'm just
dipping my toe in,

1287
00:33:02,855 --> 00:33:03,856
you know, just--
that's what I do.

1288
00:33:03,940 --> 00:33:05,692
I dip my toe
in girls' vaginas.

1289
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,861
That's--it's very niche,
very niche.

1290
00:33:05,775 --> 00:33:08,861
That's--it's very niche,
very niche.

1291
00:33:08,945 --> 00:33:10,238
[laughter]

1292
00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:11,906
You know that's a type of porn.

1293
00:33:10,321 --> 00:33:11,906
You know that's a type of porn.

1294
00:33:11,989 --> 00:33:15,368
Like, that--that's probably
a very popular type of porn.

1295
00:33:15,451 --> 00:33:17,078
There are, like,
at least three guys in here

1296
00:33:17,161 --> 00:33:19,247
who are like, "I can't believe
I haven't seen her yet.

1297
00:33:17,161 --> 00:33:19,247
who are like, "I can't believe
I haven't seen her yet.

1298
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:20,289
That's weird."

1299
00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,500
[laughter]

1300
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:23,876
Because, like, I don't know.

1301
00:33:22,583 --> 00:33:23,876
Because, like, I don't know.

1302
00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,546
We've been watching porn
together a little bit and--

1303
00:33:26,629 --> 00:33:28,089
'cause we finished
"Friday Night Lights,"

1304
00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:32,885
so that's what--that's what
Netflix wanted for us and--

1305
00:33:28,172 --> 00:33:32,885
so that's what--that's what
Netflix wanted for us and--

1306
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:34,262
So we've been
watching porn together,

1307
00:33:34,345 --> 00:33:35,722
and he's--he wants to watch
what I want to watch,

1308
00:33:35,805 --> 00:33:38,182
so he's like, "What are you
into?" and I'm like,

1309
00:33:38,266 --> 00:33:39,267
"Well, if it were up to me,
we would watch a 'TMZ' clip

1310
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:41,269
"of Zac Efron
getting out of a car.

1311
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:44,188
"Like, that's what
treats Mommy right, you know?"

1312
00:33:41,352 --> 00:33:44,188
"Like, that's what
treats Mommy right, you know?"

1313
00:33:44,272 --> 00:33:47,775
Like, that's fine for me,
but in terms of porn,

1314
00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:49,110
like, I just--
there's nothing--

1315
00:33:49,193 --> 00:33:50,945
there's been a couple videos
that I'm like,

1316
00:33:51,028 --> 00:33:52,572
"Oh, I like that,"
but I always stumble into them.

1317
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,115
I wouldn't know
how to search for it.

1318
00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:54,115
I wouldn't know
how to search for it.

1319
00:33:54,198 --> 00:33:55,450
It's too weird that--
I don't even know

1320
00:33:55,533 --> 00:33:56,868
how to describe what I like."

1321
00:33:56,951 --> 00:33:59,287
He was like, "Try me.
Like, I'll find it."

1322
00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:01,914
'Cause apparently he's, like,
the Edward Snowden of porn.

1323
00:33:59,370 --> 00:34:01,914
'Cause apparently he's, like,
the Edward Snowden of porn.

1324
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:04,125
Like, he can just hack into--
like, find anything.

1325
00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:06,586
It's very impressive
watching him.

1326
00:34:04,208 --> 00:34:06,586
It's very impressive
watching him.

1327
00:34:06,669 --> 00:34:07,962
He's always got,
like, eight screens up

1328
00:34:08,045 --> 00:34:10,798
all buffering
at different times,

1329
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,091
so as soon
as one gets boring,

1330
00:34:10,882 --> 00:34:12,091
so as soon
as one gets boring,

1331
00:34:12,175 --> 00:34:14,844
the next one is, like--
the money shot is seconds away.

1332
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:17,805
Like, it's very--
it's orchestrated.

1333
00:34:14,927 --> 00:34:17,805
Like, it's very--
it's orchestrated.

1334
00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:19,724
But he was like,
"Describe it.

1335
00:34:19,807 --> 00:34:21,184
Come on, I'll find it,"
and I was like,

1336
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:26,355
"Okay, of the porn I've seen,
the--the ones I like are,

1337
00:34:21,267 --> 00:34:26,355
"Okay, of the porn I've seen,
the--the ones I like are,

1338
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:27,982
"like, the videos
where the girl,

1339
00:34:28,065 --> 00:34:29,901
"she isn't really quite
into it at first, you know?

1340
00:34:28,065 --> 00:34:29,901
"she isn't really quite
into it at first, you know?

1341
00:34:29,984 --> 00:34:31,027
"She's a little bit like,
'I don't know,' you know,

1342
00:34:31,110 --> 00:34:33,946
"but then she,
like, gets into it,

1343
00:34:34,030 --> 00:34:35,114
but, like, at first, she's just,
like, a little reluctant,"

1344
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,867
and he was like,
"Oh, yeah, reluctant porn."

1345
00:34:35,198 --> 00:34:37,867
and he was like,
"Oh, yeah, reluctant porn."

1346
00:34:37,950 --> 00:34:39,994
He starts
typing in "reluctant."

1347
00:34:40,077 --> 00:34:41,537
I'm like,
"What are you doing?"

1348
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:42,914
He's like,
"Reluctant porn."

1349
00:34:41,621 --> 00:34:42,914
He's like,
"Reluctant porn."

1350
00:34:42,997 --> 00:34:44,040
I'm like,
"That's not a type."

1351
00:34:44,123 --> 00:34:44,582
He's like, "Yeah, it is,"
and it is.

1352
00:34:44,665 --> 00:34:47,001
Oh, it is.

1353
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,836
It is--there's
so much reluctant porn

1354
00:34:47,085 --> 00:34:48,836
It is--there's
so much reluctant porn

1355
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,756
with "reluctant"
in the titles.

1356
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,091
I mean, it's just like,
"Hot reluctant sluts,"

1357
00:34:51,839 --> 00:34:54,091
I mean, it's just like,
"Hot reluctant sluts,"

1358
00:34:54,175 --> 00:34:55,593
and I'm just like,

1359
00:34:55,676 --> 00:34:57,929
"One of those words
is not like the other, porn.

1360
00:34:58,012 --> 00:35:02,517
"Like, that doesn't--
that one.

1361
00:34:58,012 --> 00:35:02,517
"Like, that doesn't--
that one.

1362
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,852
"Where did you
learn that word?

1363
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,395
"Have you been
attending night school?

1364
00:35:04,936 --> 00:35:06,395
"Have you been
attending night school?

1365
00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:08,105
Like, what?"

1366
00:35:08,189 --> 00:35:10,358
Reluctant, it's very hot.
You should look it up.

1367
00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,819
It's--if you want--
if you don't want to,

1368
00:35:10,441 --> 00:35:12,819
It's--if you want--
if you don't want to,

1369
00:35:12,902 --> 00:35:14,821
if you're a little
reluctant to do so,

1370
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:18,991
I do--I do a pretty sick
impression of reluctant porn,

1371
00:35:14,904 --> 00:35:18,991
I do--I do a pretty sick
impression of reluctant porn,

1372
00:35:19,075 --> 00:35:19,867
so here we go.

1373
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:21,202
So this is all reluctant porn.

1374
00:35:21,285 --> 00:35:23,079
Ready?
"No, okay."

1375
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:24,080
Like, that's it.

1376
00:35:23,162 --> 00:35:24,080
Like, that's it.

1377
00:35:24,163 --> 00:35:26,040
That's--that is it.

1378
00:35:26,123 --> 00:35:27,708
[laughter]

1379
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:31,128
Yeah, slight hesitation,

1380
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:31,128
Yeah, slight hesitation,

1381
00:35:31,212 --> 00:35:32,213
full commitment, yes.

1382
00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:37,552
Mostly casting couch,
so check it out.

1383
00:35:32,296 --> 00:35:37,552
Mostly casting couch,
so check it out.

1384
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,178
But I was just, like--
I was so shocked.

1385
00:35:39,262 --> 00:35:40,513
Oh, my God, you can find
any type of porn.

1386
00:35:40,596 --> 00:35:43,558
I was like,
"Put in the word 'facetious.'

1387
00:35:40,596 --> 00:35:43,558
I was like,
"Put in the word 'facetious.'

1388
00:35:43,641 --> 00:35:44,725
"Like,
let's just put it in.

1389
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:46,143
Like,
let's see what we get."

1390
00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,396
You know, I think I had just
learned how to spell that word,

1391
00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,396
You know, I think I had just
learned how to spell that word,

1392
00:35:48,479 --> 00:35:49,230
so I was, like,
showing off or whatever,

1393
00:35:49,313 --> 00:35:50,022
so it's like, "Put it in."

1394
00:35:50,106 --> 00:35:51,607
And so I spelled it for him.

1395
00:35:51,691 --> 00:35:54,360
I was like,
"'Face' and then 'tious,'

1396
00:35:51,691 --> 00:35:54,360
I was like,
"'Face' and then 'tious,'

1397
00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:55,570
and then put it together,"
and he was like, "Face tits?"

1398
00:35:55,653 --> 00:35:57,905
And I was like,
"I'm sure that's a thing,

1399
00:35:57,989 --> 00:35:59,282
but, no, 'facetious.'"

1400
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:02,743
So he put it in,
and there were three videos

1401
00:35:59,365 --> 00:36:02,743
So he put it in,
and there were three videos

1402
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:03,828
with "facetious" in the title.

1403
00:36:03,911 --> 00:36:05,413
It was crazy
with three, and so--

1404
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:07,039
it was just a black girl
named Facetious,

1405
00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:07,039
it was just a black girl
named Facetious,

1406
00:36:07,123 --> 00:36:08,249
but you know what?
That counts.

1407
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:12,253
She's amazing.
She's really good.

1408
00:36:08,332 --> 00:36:12,253
She's amazing.
She's really good.

1409
00:36:12,336 --> 00:36:14,589
She fucks sarcastically,
so that's, like, her thing

1410
00:36:14,672 --> 00:36:16,340
that she--

1411
00:36:16,424 --> 00:36:17,592
Check her out.
Check her out.

1412
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,094
[laughter]

1413
00:36:17,675 --> 00:36:20,094
[laughter]

1414
00:36:20,177 --> 00:36:24,473
But I've learned a lot
from porn dirty talk-wise.

1415
00:36:20,177 --> 00:36:24,473
But I've learned a lot
from porn dirty talk-wise.

1416
00:36:24,557 --> 00:36:25,850
Not, like, physically.

1417
00:36:25,933 --> 00:36:28,644
I just--my MO is,
I kind of just lay there.

1418
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:30,104
Like, I'm a bottom, you know?

1419
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:30,104
Like, I'm a bottom, you know?

1420
00:36:30,187 --> 00:36:31,939
Like, I just--
and I'm enjoying myself.

1421
00:36:32,023 --> 00:36:32,940
I don't want to change.

1422
00:36:33,024 --> 00:36:34,192
Like, I like being on bottom.

1423
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:37,570
I'm--I'm not
a dead fish.

1424
00:36:34,275 --> 00:36:37,570
I'm--I'm not
a dead fish.

1425
00:36:37,653 --> 00:36:39,697
I just--I hate
when guys call me that.

1426
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:42,116
I think that's rude.

1427
00:36:39,780 --> 00:36:42,116
I think that's rude.

1428
00:36:42,199 --> 00:36:43,659
Dead fish?

1429
00:36:43,743 --> 00:36:44,368
"Dead fish."

1430
00:36:44,452 --> 00:36:45,620
I'm like, "What?"

1431
00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:47,830
No, no, no, I'm like,
a fish on its way out.

1432
00:36:45,703 --> 00:36:47,830
No, no, no, I'm like,
a fish on its way out.

1433
00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:49,957
Like, that's--
I'll give you that.

1434
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:50,583
Like, I'm not doing great,

1435
00:36:50,666 --> 00:36:53,628
but, like, dead?

1436
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:56,130
[laughter]

1437
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:56,130
[laughter]

1438
00:36:56,213 --> 00:36:57,798
Maybe someone just needs
to clean my tank, you know?

1439
00:36:57,882 --> 00:36:59,634
Like, that's--

1440
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,803
[laughter]

1441
00:36:59,717 --> 00:37:02,803
[laughter]

1442
00:37:02,887 --> 00:37:04,639
That's what I call
going down on me.

1443
00:37:04,722 --> 00:37:05,556
Thank you so much.

1444
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,642
[laughter]

1445
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,642
[laughter]

1446
00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:09,143
That's really disgusting.

1447
00:37:09,226 --> 00:37:10,144
[laughter]

1448
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:13,105
Please tonight,
if you get gone down on,

1449
00:37:10,228 --> 00:37:13,105
Please tonight,
if you get gone down on,

1450
00:37:13,189 --> 00:37:15,691
like, just say to yourself,
just for me, just go,

1451
00:37:15,775 --> 00:37:18,319
like, "Yeah, you clean
that fucking tank,"

1452
00:37:15,775 --> 00:37:18,319
like, "Yeah, you clean
that fucking tank,"

1453
00:37:18,402 --> 00:37:19,654
just, like, for me.

1454
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:20,529
Just--it'll
make you feel good.

1455
00:37:20,613 --> 00:37:22,782
I know.

1456
00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:24,241
I feel like I'll feel it,
you know?

1457
00:37:22,865 --> 00:37:24,241
I feel like I'll feel it,
you know?

1458
00:37:24,325 --> 00:37:25,701
Like, my ear will tingle.

1459
00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:28,496
I'm like, "Yeah, girl's
getting her tank cleaned.

1460
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:30,248
Clean it.
Clean it."

1461
00:37:28,579 --> 00:37:30,248
Clean it.
Clean it."

1462
00:37:30,331 --> 00:37:32,124
[laughter]

1463
00:37:32,208 --> 00:37:34,043
I love that.

1464
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,837
So I--if you're lazy
in bed like I am,

1465
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,837
So I--if you're lazy
in bed like I am,

1466
00:37:34,126 --> 00:37:36,837
So I--if you're lazy
in bed like I am,

1467
00:37:36,921 --> 00:37:38,506
you kind of got to bring it

1468
00:37:38,589 --> 00:37:41,217
when it comes to dirty talk,
'cause I'm rarely, like,

1469
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,344
on top doing things
that are impressive.

1470
00:37:41,300 --> 00:37:43,344
on top doing things
that are impressive.

1471
00:37:43,427 --> 00:37:45,429
If I'm ever on top,
I always do reverse cowgirl,

1472
00:37:45,513 --> 00:37:47,264
'cause you can pretend his legs
are Zac Efron's a lot easier

1473
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:51,978
than his dumb,
stupid head, so...

1474
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:51,978
than his dumb,
stupid head, so...

1475
00:37:52,061 --> 00:37:52,895
But if you're on bottom
just chilling,

1476
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,106
say some good stuff.

1477
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,106
say some good stuff.

1478
00:37:55,189 --> 00:37:57,441
Like, I--now I have
lines to say.

1479
00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,401
Before, I didn't.

1480
00:37:58,484 --> 00:37:59,694
I would just be put on the spot,

1481
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,112
and I couldn't think
of anything.

1482
00:37:59,777 --> 00:38:01,112
and I couldn't think
of anything.

1483
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:02,196
He'd be like,
"What do you want?"

1484
00:38:02,279 --> 00:38:03,030
And I'd be like,
"To check my phone?

1485
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:06,909
I mean,
to check your dick."

1486
00:38:03,114 --> 00:38:06,909
I mean,
to check your dick."

1487
00:38:06,993 --> 00:38:08,828
And he's like, "What?"
I'm like, "For crabs?

1488
00:38:08,911 --> 00:38:11,956
I don't know, okay?
I'm sorry."

1489
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:15,334
So go in with a plan,
and that's where porn comes in.

1490
00:38:12,039 --> 00:38:15,334
So go in with a plan,
and that's where porn comes in.

1491
00:38:15,418 --> 00:38:17,336
You watch porn,
you steal a line from that,

1492
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:21,799
and you use it,
and I steal from Sasha Grey.

1493
00:38:17,420 --> 00:38:21,799
and you use it,
and I steal from Sasha Grey.

1494
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:24,343
She's my favorite porn actress.

1495
00:38:21,882 --> 00:38:24,343
She's my favorite porn actress.

1496
00:38:24,427 --> 00:38:26,137
She's amazingly filthy.

1497
00:38:26,220 --> 00:38:28,389
Look at you all pretending
not to know who that is.

1498
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,349
That's amazing.

1499
00:38:28,472 --> 00:38:30,349
That's amazing.

1500
00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:31,434
She's awesome.

1501
00:38:31,517 --> 00:38:33,269
She's so, like,
poetically filthy,

1502
00:38:33,352 --> 00:38:35,146
and I stole one of her,
like, mild lines

1503
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:39,442
from one
of her Disney porns...

1504
00:38:35,229 --> 00:38:39,442
from one
of her Disney porns...

1505
00:38:39,525 --> 00:38:41,444
And the line was,
I--oh,

1506
00:38:41,527 --> 00:38:43,070
"You own this pussy."

1507
00:38:41,527 --> 00:38:43,070
"You own this pussy."

1508
00:38:43,154 --> 00:38:44,780
I was like, "That's great.
I'll use that.

1509
00:38:44,864 --> 00:38:46,240
"You know,
I've been looking

1510
00:38:46,323 --> 00:38:48,743
"to sell this thing off
for a while anyway,

1511
00:38:46,323 --> 00:38:48,743
"to sell this thing off
for a while anyway,

1512
00:38:48,826 --> 00:38:49,785
so, please, someone, take it."

1513
00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:52,913
So I said that.

1514
00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:55,249
I decided to say that,
and so we're doing it,

1515
00:38:52,997 --> 00:38:55,249
I decided to say that,
and so we're doing it,

1516
00:38:55,332 --> 00:38:56,751
and I'm, like, gearing up,
and I was just like,

1517
00:38:56,834 --> 00:38:58,044
"You--"
He's back there and--

1518
00:38:58,127 --> 00:38:59,837
Just want to set the scene.

1519
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:02,006
He's back there,

1520
00:38:59,920 --> 00:39:02,006
He's back there,

1521
00:39:02,089 --> 00:39:03,674
and I--and I--
and by the way,

1522
00:39:03,758 --> 00:39:05,593
I was not even
doing doggy style.

1523
00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:07,094
Like, that's--
even for me,

1524
00:39:05,676 --> 00:39:07,094
Like, that's--
even for me,

1525
00:39:07,178 --> 00:39:07,928
I'm like, "I don't want
to plank right now.

1526
00:39:08,012 --> 00:39:09,597
Like, can we not?"

1527
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:13,225
I'm always like, "Can we
turn doggy into walrus?

1528
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:13,225
I'm always like, "Can we
turn doggy into walrus?

1529
00:39:13,309 --> 00:39:17,355
"Can we, like, make this
a little bit more comfy

1530
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,690
"for old Glasedog?

1531
00:39:17,438 --> 00:39:19,690
"for old Glasedog?

1532
00:39:19,774 --> 00:39:22,401
"Like, I just--
like, I don't want to--

1533
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:24,945
"I don't want to
engage my core right now,

1534
00:39:22,485 --> 00:39:24,945
"I don't want to
engage my core right now,

1535
00:39:25,029 --> 00:39:27,073
if that's cool.
Thanks."

1536
00:39:27,156 --> 00:39:30,659
So he's doing it,
I'm walrusing,

1537
00:39:27,156 --> 00:39:30,659
So he's doing it,
I'm walrusing,

1538
00:39:30,743 --> 00:39:34,330
and he--
things are going great,

1539
00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:36,332
and out of nowhere,
I was just like,

1540
00:39:34,413 --> 00:39:36,332
and out of nowhere,
I was just like,

1541
00:39:36,415 --> 00:39:38,125
"You own this pussy,"
and he was like, "What?"

1542
00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:40,127
And I was like, "You heard me,"
and he was like, "Okay."

1543
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:42,046
And he's, like, nervous,

1544
00:39:42,129 --> 00:39:44,340
'cause he's, like,
a first-time pussy owner.

1545
00:39:42,129 --> 00:39:44,340
'cause he's, like,
a first-time pussy owner.

1546
00:39:44,423 --> 00:39:47,426
Like, I think he had just
rented before, apparently.

1547
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:49,553
It can be nerve-racking,
you know?

1548
00:39:47,510 --> 00:39:49,553
It can be nerve-racking,
you know?

1549
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:52,389
So he was like, "Ah,"
and I was excited.

1550
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:55,142
I was like, "Ah!"
And to be honest,

1551
00:39:52,473 --> 00:39:55,142
I was like, "Ah!"
And to be honest,

1552
00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:56,268
I really thought
that I would say,

1553
00:39:56,352 --> 00:39:57,812
"You own this pussy,"
and he would just,

1554
00:39:57,895 --> 00:39:59,146
like, immediately finish.

1555
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,482
Like, he would just be
like, "I love you!"

1556
00:39:59,230 --> 00:40:01,482
Like, he would just be
like, "I love you!"

1557
00:40:01,565 --> 00:40:02,858
Like, "Ah!"

1558
00:40:02,942 --> 00:40:04,985
[laughter]

1559
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:07,321
But it didn't happen that way.

1560
00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:07,321
But it didn't happen that way.

1561
00:40:07,404 --> 00:40:09,782
He, like, needed
a lot more from me.

1562
00:40:09,865 --> 00:40:11,325
Like, that was--
it was hot,

1563
00:40:11,408 --> 00:40:13,369
but he, like,
needed me to say more things,

1564
00:40:11,408 --> 00:40:13,369
but he, like,
needed me to say more things,

1565
00:40:13,452 --> 00:40:15,121
and I didn't have
anything else to say.

1566
00:40:15,204 --> 00:40:16,413
That's all I had
written on my hand,

1567
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,374
so I was just kind of like,
"You own this pussy."

1568
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:18,374
so I was just kind of like,
"You own this pussy."

1569
00:40:18,457 --> 00:40:21,085
So I just started
repeating myself,

1570
00:40:21,168 --> 00:40:22,503
which works at first.

1571
00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:24,338
You know, you're like,
"You own this pussy."

1572
00:40:22,586 --> 00:40:24,338
You know, you're like,
"You own this pussy."

1573
00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:25,756
He's like, "Yeah, I do."
"You own this pussy."

1574
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:27,258
"Yeah, I do."
"You own this pussy."

1575
00:40:27,341 --> 00:40:31,428
"Okay, uh, pretty aware
of that by now.

1576
00:40:27,341 --> 00:40:31,428
"Okay, uh, pretty aware
of that by now.

1577
00:40:31,512 --> 00:40:34,140
Care to expound
on the situation whatsoever?"

1578
00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:35,558
And I was--I had not--

1579
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:39,311
so I'm just like,
"Uh, it's in escrow.

1580
00:40:35,641 --> 00:40:39,311
so I'm just like,
"Uh, it's in escrow.

1581
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:42,064
We just--
we just put it in es--"

1582
00:40:42,148 --> 00:40:43,440
I don't know what that means.

1583
00:40:42,148 --> 00:40:43,440
I don't know what that means.

1584
00:40:43,524 --> 00:40:46,402
I'm just grasping at
loose real estate terminology.

1585
00:40:46,485 --> 00:40:48,696
"There's a spacious
eat-in kitchen.

1586
00:40:46,485 --> 00:40:48,696
"There's a spacious
eat-in kitchen.

1587
00:40:48,779 --> 00:40:51,866
"If you just
contact Janet Russo

1588
00:40:51,949 --> 00:40:54,785
to set up a showing,
917-425--"

1589
00:40:51,949 --> 00:40:54,785
to set up a showing,
917-425--"

1590
00:40:54,869 --> 00:40:56,745
He's like, "Are you giving me
my aunt's number?"

1591
00:40:56,829 --> 00:40:58,164
I'm like, "I don't know.

1592
00:40:58,247 --> 00:40:59,373
She's the only
real estate agent I know."

1593
00:40:59,456 --> 00:41:01,959
I'm like,
"Check out the mudroom.

1594
00:40:59,456 --> 00:41:01,959
I'm like,
"Check out the mudroom.

1595
00:41:02,042 --> 00:41:04,044
"It's right above you,
if you so dare.

1596
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:07,256
Come on, please?"

1597
00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:07,256
Come on, please?"

1598
00:41:07,339 --> 00:41:10,551
[laughter]

1599
00:41:10,634 --> 00:41:11,051
Anal.

1600
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,722
[laughter]

1601
00:41:11,135 --> 00:41:14,722
[laughter]

1602
00:41:14,805 --> 00:41:16,891
Anal.

1603
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:18,517
Oh, God,
do you guys do it?

1604
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:18,517
Oh, God,
do you guys do it?

1605
00:41:18,601 --> 00:41:20,394
I do.

1606
00:41:20,477 --> 00:41:22,313
I love it.

1607
00:41:22,396 --> 00:41:23,814
I don't--I mean, it's fi--

1608
00:41:23,898 --> 00:41:25,399
It's good.
You should try it.

1609
00:41:23,898 --> 00:41:25,399
It's good.
You should try it.

1610
00:41:25,482 --> 00:41:26,609
And I always feel weird
saying that I've done it,

1611
00:41:26,692 --> 00:41:28,277
'cause people,
I just feel, are like,

1612
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:29,403
"Mm, we didn't
need to know that,"

1613
00:41:29,486 --> 00:41:31,238
or they're like,
"I would never do that."

1614
00:41:29,486 --> 00:41:31,238
or they're like,
"I would never do that."

1615
00:41:31,322 --> 00:41:32,615
But here's the thing.
I've done research.

1616
00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:34,867
33% of women have done it,
so, like, all of these girls.

1617
00:41:34,950 --> 00:41:38,871
That's just, like, crazy,
'cause I wouldn't think

1618
00:41:34,950 --> 00:41:38,871
That's just, like, crazy,
'cause I wouldn't think

1619
00:41:38,954 --> 00:41:40,289
you've done it,
but you have.

1620
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:42,791
These are facts,
so that's, like, so weird, Mom.

1621
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:42,791
These are facts,
so that's, like, so weird, Mom.

1622
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:45,836
It's like, just knowing
that you've done that.

1623
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,464
[laughter]

1624
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,464
[laughter]

1625
00:41:48,547 --> 00:41:50,257
I do learn a lot.
I love sex facts.

1626
00:41:50,341 --> 00:41:51,717
I love finding things out.

1627
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,929
Like, squirting is, like,
such an anomaly to me.

1628
00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,929
Like, squirting is, like,
such an anomaly to me.

1629
00:41:55,012 --> 00:41:56,430
I can't do it.
I've been trying.

1630
00:41:56,513 --> 00:41:59,391
We're trying,
so thank you.

1631
00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:01,602
Thanks, that's so sweet,
you guys.

1632
00:41:59,475 --> 00:42:01,602
Thanks, that's so sweet,
you guys.

1633
00:42:01,685 --> 00:42:04,772
He wants to get a surrogate,
but, you know...

1634
00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,691
[laughter]

1635
00:42:04,855 --> 00:42:07,691
[laughter]

1636
00:42:07,775 --> 00:42:08,692
No, I can't do it.

1637
00:42:08,776 --> 00:42:10,069
I just found recently, though,

1638
00:42:10,152 --> 00:42:12,238
that, like, squirt is,
like, mostly pee.

1639
00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:14,448
It's, like,
very diluted urine,

1640
00:42:14,531 --> 00:42:16,116
which is, like,
such a relief to me

1641
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:17,284
'cause now I get to say,

1642
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,995
"Oh, I squirted the bed
until fourth grade."

1643
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,995
"Oh, I squirted the bed
until fourth grade."

1644
00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:20,955
Like, that seems a lot cooler.

1645
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:23,582
[laughter]

1646
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:25,793
I'm like, "I was a sexy
fourth grader," you know?

1647
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:25,793
I'm like, "I was a sexy
fourth grader," you know?

1648
00:42:25,876 --> 00:42:28,671
Like, that's so cool of me.

1649
00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:30,297
I learn a lot of things.

1650
00:42:28,754 --> 00:42:30,297
I learn a lot of things.

1651
00:42:30,381 --> 00:42:32,758
I don't--sexuality doesn't
come naturally to me.

1652
00:42:32,841 --> 00:42:34,260
I just feel like, "Blah!"

1653
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,303
So, like, I had to,
like, learn how to be--

1654
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,303
So, like, I had to,
like, learn how to be--

1655
00:42:36,387 --> 00:42:37,805
like, I know
that guys love it

1656
00:42:37,888 --> 00:42:38,847
when they find out
you're not wearing underwear.

1657
00:42:38,931 --> 00:42:41,016
Like, that's
super hot to them,

1658
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:42,518
and I just, like,
always wear underwear.

1659
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:42,518
and I just, like,
always wear underwear.

1660
00:42:42,601 --> 00:42:45,646
It's, like, my thing and--
you guys get it.

1661
00:42:45,729 --> 00:42:48,232
And--but I just, like--
I've never done--

1662
00:42:48,315 --> 00:42:51,402
the other day, first time,
no underwear the whole day,

1663
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:52,361
and it was--
you know, just 'cause

1664
00:42:52,444 --> 00:42:54,071
I shit my pants
at this Starbucks,

1665
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:55,281
but it was like,

1666
00:42:54,154 --> 00:42:55,281
but it was like,

1667
00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:57,157
once I ditched that thong
in that bathroom,

1668
00:42:57,241 --> 00:43:00,202
I was like, "Hello.

1669
00:43:00,286 --> 00:43:02,496
I'm sexy."

1670
00:43:02,579 --> 00:43:05,040
I was like, "Anything
can happen," so...

1671
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,585
[laughter]

1672
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:07,585
[laughter]

1673
00:43:07,668 --> 00:43:09,753
I'm down to try
a lot of stuff.

1674
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:13,507
My boyfriend does
some pretty kinky things.

1675
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:13,507
My boyfriend does
some pretty kinky things.

1676
00:43:13,590 --> 00:43:16,343
He did this recently,
just during--

1677
00:43:16,427 --> 00:43:17,594
like, surprised me with it.

1678
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:20,097
Not at--not, like,
in a vicious way.

1679
00:43:17,678 --> 00:43:20,097
Not at--not, like,
in a vicious way.

1680
00:43:20,180 --> 00:43:21,098
Like, it was a very light--
he might have been

1681
00:43:21,181 --> 00:43:22,266
checking my pulse,
to be honest.

1682
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,893
I'm not really sure.

1683
00:43:22,349 --> 00:43:24,893
I'm not really sure.

1684
00:43:24,977 --> 00:43:26,020
I was very relaxed,

1685
00:43:26,103 --> 00:43:27,438
but it was just,
like, a light one.

1686
00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:29,189
But he didn't say anything
when he did it.

1687
00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:31,066
He just did it,
and then we were just like,

1688
00:43:29,273 --> 00:43:31,066
He just did it,
and then we were just like,

1689
00:43:31,150 --> 00:43:33,861
"Hey," like,
just staring at each other.

1690
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:37,406
You got to say something.
You just can't be like, "Oh."

1691
00:43:33,944 --> 00:43:37,406
You got to say something.
You just can't be like, "Oh."

1692
00:43:37,489 --> 00:43:41,577
I was like,
"Ahh," like...

1693
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:42,536
And I didn't say anything,
'cause I couldn't,

1694
00:43:41,660 --> 00:43:42,536
And I didn't say anything,
'cause I couldn't,

1695
00:43:42,619 --> 00:43:47,708
and I was like,
"After you."

1696
00:43:47,791 --> 00:43:49,001
And I could tell he panic--

1697
00:43:47,791 --> 00:43:49,001
And I could tell he panic--

1698
00:43:49,084 --> 00:43:50,502
like, he didn't
think about saying--

1699
00:43:50,586 --> 00:43:53,380
so he was just like,
"I'm gonna kill you."

1700
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,631
I was like, "What?
No! Get off!"

1701
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:54,631
I was like, "What?
No! Get off!"

1702
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:57,051
And he was like,
"Is that too much?"

1703
00:43:57,134 --> 00:43:58,177
I'm like,
"Yes, it's too much.

1704
00:43:58,260 --> 00:43:59,053
Jesus Christ."

1705
00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:03,140
[laughter]

1706
00:43:59,136 --> 00:44:03,140
[laughter]

1707
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:07,561
Thank you so much.

1708
00:44:05,309 --> 00:44:07,561
Thank you so much.

1709
00:44:07,644 --> 00:44:10,397
[laughs]

1710
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:13,150
Oh, my boyfriend
bought me a sex swing.

1711
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:13,150
Oh, my boyfriend
bought me a sex swing.

1712
00:44:10,481 --> 00:44:13,150
Oh, my boyfriend
bought me a sex swing.

1713
00:44:13,233 --> 00:44:13,817
I did not ask for one.

1714
00:44:13,901 --> 00:44:15,444
He surprised me with it.

1715
00:44:15,527 --> 00:44:16,528
I got back from the road,
and he, like,

1716
00:44:16,612 --> 00:44:17,905
walked me in the bedroom
and was like,

1717
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:19,156
"Surprise,"
and I was like,

1718
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:19,156
"Surprise,"
and I was like,

1719
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,574
"Are you living
with a handicapped woman

1720
00:44:20,657 --> 00:44:22,242
that needs to get
in and out of bed?"

1721
00:44:22,326 --> 00:44:24,328
Like, it's--
it's a big apparatus

1722
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:25,496
with all these straps.

1723
00:44:24,411 --> 00:44:25,496
with all these straps.

1724
00:44:25,579 --> 00:44:27,790
I mean, it--
it really looks like

1725
00:44:27,873 --> 00:44:29,750
how they fed the velociraptors
in "Jurassic Park,"

1726
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:32,878
like, when they
lower the cows down,

1727
00:44:29,833 --> 00:44:32,878
like, when they
lower the cows down,

1728
00:44:32,961 --> 00:44:35,756
and then they come back up
just, like, swinging straps.

1729
00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:36,924
You guys know.

1730
00:44:35,839 --> 00:44:36,924
You guys know.

1731
00:44:37,007 --> 00:44:37,508
That's a sex swing,
I think.

1732
00:44:37,591 --> 00:44:39,676
I'm pretty sure.

1733
00:44:39,760 --> 00:44:41,512
It's really--it's fun.
It's great.

1734
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:43,555
I know why he got it:
because he's, like,

1735
00:44:41,595 --> 00:44:43,555
I know why he got it:
because he's, like,

1736
00:44:43,639 --> 00:44:45,933
tired of doing all the work
'cause I just lay there,

1737
00:44:46,016 --> 00:44:47,935
so he's like--'cause you--
I just, like,

1738
00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:49,853
plop in this thing,
and then he just taps it once,

1739
00:44:48,018 --> 00:44:49,853
plop in this thing,
and then he just taps it once,

1740
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:52,356
and then you're just,
like, fucking forever.

1741
00:44:52,439 --> 00:44:55,484
Like, it's just
perpetual motion after that.

1742
00:44:52,439 --> 00:44:55,484
Like, it's just
perpetual motion after that.

1743
00:44:55,567 --> 00:44:56,360
It's like the bird
dipping in water of sex.

1744
00:44:56,443 --> 00:44:58,487
It's just like...

1745
00:44:58,570 --> 00:45:01,615
Like,
you'll just fuck forever

1746
00:44:58,570 --> 00:45:01,615
Like,
you'll just fuck forever

1747
00:45:01,698 --> 00:45:03,325
until a scientist
comes and stops you.

1748
00:45:03,409 --> 00:45:05,494
I don't know why
that has to happen.

1749
00:45:05,577 --> 00:45:07,955
[laughter]

1750
00:45:05,577 --> 00:45:07,955
[laughter]

1751
00:45:08,038 --> 00:45:09,498
But, yeah,
it's pretty fun.

1752
00:45:09,581 --> 00:45:11,333
It's more fun
when he goes to work,

1753
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:12,251
and I just get to
hang out in it all day

1754
00:45:12,334 --> 00:45:14,837
and just spin around,

1755
00:45:12,334 --> 00:45:14,837
and just spin around,

1756
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,214
pretend I'm like Pink
at the Grammys.

1757
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:19,174
I'm just like, "Ah."

1758
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:19,174
I'm just like, "Ah."

1759
00:45:19,258 --> 00:45:21,468
Like, I'm just--
it's so good.

1760
00:45:21,552 --> 00:45:23,303
You just spin and spin.
It's awesome.

1761
00:45:23,387 --> 00:45:25,973
[laughter]

1762
00:45:23,387 --> 00:45:25,973
[laughter]

1763
00:45:26,056 --> 00:45:27,474
It's awesome--
okay, I found the box for it.

1764
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:30,310
He, like, hid the box and--

1765
00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:31,478
which was weird,
'cause I found the box.

1766
00:45:30,394 --> 00:45:31,478
which was weird,
'cause I found the box.

1767
00:45:31,562 --> 00:45:33,522
I'm like,
"You know I didn't think,

1768
00:45:33,605 --> 00:45:34,690
"like, Santa
put this together?

1769
00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:36,900
Like, elves
were making this?"

1770
00:45:34,773 --> 00:45:36,900
Like, elves
were making this?"

1771
00:45:36,984 --> 00:45:40,779
But he--I found the box,
and he hadn't, like,

1772
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,990
opened the whole box,
because on the box, it said,

1773
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:42,990
opened the whole box,
because on the box, it said,

1774
00:45:43,073 --> 00:45:44,575
"Free blindfold inside,"

1775
00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:47,161
and I was like,
"Yes, a sleep mask."

1776
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:50,289
You know, like,
I love sleep masks.

1777
00:45:47,244 --> 00:45:50,289
You know, like,
I love sleep masks.

1778
00:45:50,372 --> 00:45:52,499
I love--
I wear them on planes.

1779
00:45:52,583 --> 00:45:53,667
I need them.
I'm a connoisseur.

1780
00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:55,711
I leave them on planes
all the time, though,

1781
00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:55,711
I leave them on planes
all the time, though,

1782
00:45:55,794 --> 00:45:57,963
and so this one I've been
wearing, it's so good.

1783
00:45:58,046 --> 00:46:01,383
It's the best one I've ever had,
this sex swing blindfold.

1784
00:45:58,046 --> 00:46:01,383
It's the best one I've ever had,
this sex swing blindfold.

1785
00:46:01,467 --> 00:46:02,718
So it blocks out
all the light.

1786
00:46:02,801 --> 00:46:04,595
It does say
"cum slut" on it,

1787
00:46:04,678 --> 00:46:06,680
but I'm like,
that's who I am,

1788
00:46:04,678 --> 00:46:06,680
but I'm like,
that's who I am,

1789
00:46:06,763 --> 00:46:10,476
so you know,
far be it from me

1790
00:46:10,559 --> 00:46:13,854
to deny Southwest
that information, you know?

1791
00:46:10,559 --> 00:46:13,854
to deny Southwest
that information, you know?

1792
00:46:13,937 --> 00:46:15,355
[laughter]

1793
00:46:15,439 --> 00:46:16,857
It is weird when we land
and I wake up,

1794
00:46:16,940 --> 00:46:18,525
and I'm like,
"I hope that's drool.

1795
00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:22,196
"Like, I really--
I hope it's drool.

1796
00:46:18,609 --> 00:46:22,196
"Like, I really--
I hope it's drool.

1797
00:46:22,279 --> 00:46:23,697
Please be drool."

1798
00:46:23,780 --> 00:46:27,034
I've said that so many times
in my life, "Please be drool."

1799
00:46:23,780 --> 00:46:27,034
I've said that so many times
in my life, "Please be drool."

1800
00:46:27,117 --> 00:46:30,370
I don't know why.
It's a weird thing to say.

1801
00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:33,040
I am, like, obsessed
with talking about sex.

1802
00:46:30,454 --> 00:46:33,040
I am, like, obsessed
with talking about sex.

1803
00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,918
I apologize if it's not
your thing, but, like, come on.

1804
00:46:33,123 --> 00:46:35,918
I apologize if it's not
your thing, but, like, come on.

1805
00:46:36,001 --> 00:46:39,546
It's, like, so fun,
and, like, we're all having sex,

1806
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,215
but we don't really,
like, talk about it.

1807
00:46:39,630 --> 00:46:41,215
but we don't really,
like, talk about it.

1808
00:46:41,298 --> 00:46:42,508
Like, we'll be like,
"Oh, yeah, I've had sex before."

1809
00:46:42,591 --> 00:46:44,635
Like, we'll admit that,
but we won't be like,

1810
00:46:44,718 --> 00:46:45,886
"Oh, yeah, I've been like..."
[grunting]

1811
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:47,554
But that's, like,
what you look like.

1812
00:46:45,969 --> 00:46:47,554
But that's, like,
what you look like.

1813
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:48,805
No one admits that.

1814
00:46:48,889 --> 00:46:50,390
They're like,
"No, I look cooler."

1815
00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:51,725
No, you don't.

1816
00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:53,477
You're just like...
[grunting]

1817
00:46:51,808 --> 00:46:53,477
You're just like...
[grunting]

1818
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:54,603
Like, that's--
it's just a bunch of,

1819
00:46:54,686 --> 00:46:56,063
like, skin,
like, shaking.

1820
00:46:56,146 --> 00:46:58,398
It's so gross,
and you all look like it.

1821
00:46:58,482 --> 00:46:59,733
We all do, but, like--
the only thing

1822
00:46:58,482 --> 00:46:59,733
We all do, but, like--
the only thing

1823
00:46:59,817 --> 00:47:01,902
that, like,
differentiates us

1824
00:47:01,985 --> 00:47:02,819
is like, we put on clothes,
and we're like,

1825
00:47:02,903 --> 00:47:03,862
"Nope, I've never done that."

1826
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:06,448
Like, as soon as
you're not naked,

1827
00:47:03,946 --> 00:47:06,448
Like, as soon as
you're not naked,

1828
00:47:06,532 --> 00:47:07,658
you can be like,
"No, I don't do that.

1829
00:47:07,741 --> 00:47:09,243
What are you talking about?
I'm a princess."

1830
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:12,120
Like, that's what's separating
us, is just clothes.

1831
00:47:09,326 --> 00:47:12,120
Like, that's what's separating
us, is just clothes.

1832
00:47:12,204 --> 00:47:14,748
Like, you can give, like,
a sloppy blow job and put on,

1833
00:47:14,831 --> 00:47:16,583
like, some jeans
and a tank top and be like,

1834
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:18,001
"I've never sucked a dick
in my life.

1835
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:18,001
"I've never sucked a dick
in my life.

1836
00:47:18,085 --> 00:47:19,795
What are you talking about?
Nope, not me."

1837
00:47:19,878 --> 00:47:21,505
And it's like,
"Yes, you have."

1838
00:47:21,588 --> 00:47:23,257
If you've worn a tank top,
male or female,

1839
00:47:21,588 --> 00:47:23,257
If you've worn a tank top,
male or female,

1840
00:47:23,340 --> 00:47:24,841
you've sucked some dicks.

1841
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,846
Like, that's just a fact
of tank tops, I think, yeah.

1842
00:47:24,925 --> 00:47:28,846
Like, that's just a fact
of tank tops, I think, yeah.

1843
00:47:28,929 --> 00:47:30,472
[laughter]

1844
00:47:30,556 --> 00:47:31,765
I love it, though.

1845
00:47:31,848 --> 00:47:33,433
I'm always, like--
I love to picture people,

1846
00:47:33,517 --> 00:47:34,810
like, what they're into.

1847
00:47:33,517 --> 00:47:34,810
like, what they're into.

1848
00:47:34,893 --> 00:47:37,271
Pregnant women are my favorite,
'cause you're like,

1849
00:47:37,354 --> 00:47:39,147
"I know you doing it.

1850
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,149
"Like, you got stuffed.

1851
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:41,149
"Like, you got stuffed.

1852
00:47:41,233 --> 00:47:42,317
She got stuffed."

1853
00:47:42,401 --> 00:47:44,778
Like, you know it,
and then you--

1854
00:47:44,861 --> 00:47:47,739
Oh, you can find out,
like, exactly when she had sex.

1855
00:47:44,861 --> 00:47:47,739
Oh, you can find out,
like, exactly when she had sex.

1856
00:47:47,823 --> 00:47:50,492
Like, all you have to do is ask,
like, "When are you due?"

1857
00:47:50,576 --> 00:47:51,618
Or pretend you care
or whatever,

1858
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:54,621
and then you just
do some light math,

1859
00:47:51,702 --> 00:47:54,621
and then you just
do some light math,

1860
00:47:54,705 --> 00:47:56,957
and you count back nine months,
and you're like, "July.

1861
00:47:57,040 --> 00:47:59,293
"You were just like, like,
[grunting] like, in July.

1862
00:47:57,040 --> 00:47:59,293
"You were just like, like,
[grunting] like, in July.

1863
00:47:59,376 --> 00:48:01,086
You were getting it."

1864
00:48:01,169 --> 00:48:03,297
[laughs]
"You love it."

1865
00:48:03,380 --> 00:48:04,715
[laughter]

1866
00:48:04,798 --> 00:48:07,175
"Yeah, you should be
ashamed of yourself."

1867
00:48:07,259 --> 00:48:09,928
Like, I love that.

1868
00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:11,847
That's the thing
about being pregnant.

1869
00:48:10,012 --> 00:48:11,847
That's the thing
about being pregnant.

1870
00:48:11,930 --> 00:48:13,473
Like, you--if you tell
your parents you're pregnant,

1871
00:48:13,557 --> 00:48:15,475
like, you're pretty much like,
"Dad, Chris came inside me.

1872
00:48:15,559 --> 00:48:17,477
Come here."

1873
00:48:15,559 --> 00:48:17,477
Come here."

1874
00:48:17,561 --> 00:48:20,939
[laughter]

1875
00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:22,149
"I kept it in."

1876
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,317
Like, that's--

1877
00:48:22,232 --> 00:48:23,317
Like, that's--

1878
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,569
[laughter]

1879
00:48:25,652 --> 00:48:28,155
No, I don't want
to do that.

1880
00:48:28,238 --> 00:48:32,534
Ah, God, creeps have ruined the
smile compliment, by the way.

1881
00:48:28,238 --> 00:48:32,534
Ah, God, creeps have ruined the
smile compliment, by the way.

1882
00:48:32,618 --> 00:48:33,994
Like, it's done.
You can't--

1883
00:48:32,618 --> 00:48:33,994
Like, it's done.
You can't--

1884
00:48:34,077 --> 00:48:35,954
'cause girls, you'll just be
walking down the street,

1885
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:37,914
and guys will tell you to smile.
It's just the worst.

1886
00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,333
We've all--
it's happened to all of us.

1887
00:48:37,998 --> 00:48:39,333
We've all--
it's happened to all of us.

1888
00:48:39,416 --> 00:48:41,001
There's only, like,
two of you who actually do it,

1889
00:48:41,084 --> 00:48:42,294
but you've ruined it
for everyone.

1890
00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:44,338
Most guys don't do this,
but girls'll just--

1891
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:47,174
you'll just be walking
down the street by yourself,

1892
00:48:44,421 --> 00:48:47,174
you'll just be walking
down the street by yourself,

1893
00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:50,260
you know, not smiling,
'cause you're not a lunatic...

1894
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:51,345
[laughter]

1895
00:48:50,344 --> 00:48:51,345
[laughter]

1896
00:48:51,428 --> 00:48:54,514
Who's just smiling
for no reason.

1897
00:48:54,598 --> 00:48:56,516
Who's this giddy bitch?

1898
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,269
Just like, "Yeah."

1899
00:48:56,600 --> 00:48:59,269
Just like, "Yeah."

1900
00:48:59,353 --> 00:49:02,397
[laughter]

1901
00:49:02,481 --> 00:49:03,565
If I saw that,
I'd be like,

1902
00:49:02,481 --> 00:49:03,565
If I saw that,
I'd be like,

1903
00:49:03,649 --> 00:49:05,317
"Did you just
get into DeVry, ma'am?

1904
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:07,861
"Like, what's going on
in your life that's..."

1905
00:49:07,944 --> 00:49:10,697
[laughter]

1906
00:49:07,944 --> 00:49:10,697
[laughter]

1907
00:49:10,781 --> 00:49:12,532
"Did you just find
a new feminine wipe

1908
00:49:12,616 --> 00:49:13,742
"that fits your busy lifestyle?

1909
00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:15,452
"That's what I thought.

1910
00:49:13,825 --> 00:49:15,452
"That's what I thought.

1911
00:49:15,535 --> 00:49:17,454
How fun."

1912
00:49:17,537 --> 00:49:18,664
So insane.

1913
00:49:18,747 --> 00:49:19,665
You don't see girls
smiling and walking,

1914
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:22,084
but these guys cannot take it.

1915
00:49:19,748 --> 00:49:22,084
but these guys cannot take it.

1916
00:49:22,167 --> 00:49:23,377
They are just so upset

1917
00:49:23,460 --> 00:49:25,128
that you're not smiling,
and they stop you,

1918
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,255
and they're just like,
"Oh, can you smile pretty?

1919
00:49:25,212 --> 00:49:27,255
and they're just like,
"Oh, can you smile pretty?

1920
00:49:27,339 --> 00:49:28,674
"Aw, can I get a smile?

1921
00:49:28,757 --> 00:49:29,883
You'd be prettier
if you smiled."

1922
00:49:29,966 --> 00:49:31,718
Like, it's always
some version of that,

1923
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:33,053
and I never want to,
'cause, you know,

1924
00:49:31,802 --> 00:49:33,053
and I never want to,
'cause, you know,

1925
00:49:33,136 --> 00:49:34,888
it's just like,
I just got off the phone

1926
00:49:34,971 --> 00:49:37,057
with my mom or something,
so I'm just like, "Ugh."

1927
00:49:37,140 --> 00:49:38,767
And--or just life.

1928
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,977
You're just like--
and they always say it,

1929
00:49:38,850 --> 00:49:40,977
You're just like--
and they always say it,

1930
00:49:41,061 --> 00:49:42,187
and I always do.

1931
00:49:42,270 --> 00:49:43,730
I'm always just like,
"Here you go.

1932
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:46,983
Like, is this
what you wanted?"

1933
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:46,983
Like, is this
what you wanted?"

1934
00:49:47,067 --> 00:49:49,611
I'm just like--
it hurts,

1935
00:49:49,695 --> 00:49:50,904
but you do it,
because if you don't,

1936
00:49:50,987 --> 00:49:53,240
they rape you,
and that's true.

1937
00:49:53,323 --> 00:49:55,575
That's true?

1938
00:49:55,659 --> 00:49:56,618
[laughter]

1939
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:58,829
Haven't tried it.

1940
00:49:56,702 --> 00:49:58,829
Haven't tried it.

1941
00:49:58,912 --> 00:50:00,956
Like, don't risk it.

1942
00:50:01,039 --> 00:50:02,791
That's--it's a little rapey
to be like, "Smile,"

1943
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:05,210
and you're just like, "Okay."

1944
00:50:02,874 --> 00:50:05,210
and you're just like, "Okay."

1945
00:50:05,293 --> 00:50:06,336
That's how you know
if something's rapey.

1946
00:50:06,420 --> 00:50:07,546
If a girl told you to do it,
would you do it?

1947
00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:09,840
Certainly not.

1948
00:50:07,629 --> 00:50:09,840
Certainly not.

1949
00:50:09,923 --> 00:50:10,882
If a girl was like,
"Hey, smile, honey,"

1950
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:12,718
I'd be like,
"No, you go smile.

1951
00:50:12,801 --> 00:50:14,469
"Look into a mirror if you want
to see a girl smile.

1952
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:15,595
I'm gonna be on my way."

1953
00:50:14,553 --> 00:50:15,595
I'm gonna be on my way."

1954
00:50:15,679 --> 00:50:17,264
But a guy, I'm just like,

1955
00:50:17,347 --> 00:50:19,099
"Is this the least I could do
to not get raped right now?

1956
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,351
That's so great, thank you.
I feel safe."

1957
00:50:19,182 --> 00:50:21,351
That's so great, thank you.
I feel safe."

1958
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,229
[laughter]

1959
00:50:24,312 --> 00:50:25,772
I don't--I'm not,
like, up here

1960
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:27,107
like, "Fucking men."

1961
00:50:25,856 --> 00:50:27,107
like, "Fucking men."

1962
00:50:27,190 --> 00:50:30,819
I'm not up here
fucking men either, but...

1963
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:33,113
My career took
a different path, but...

1964
00:50:30,902 --> 00:50:33,113
My career took
a different path, but...

1965
00:50:33,196 --> 00:50:34,239
[laughter]

1966
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:37,993
I don't like how women
are marketed to.

1967
00:50:34,322 --> 00:50:37,993
I don't like how women
are marketed to.

1968
00:50:38,076 --> 00:50:39,953
Feminine wipes.

1969
00:50:40,036 --> 00:50:41,705
I talked about those before,
and I could tell

1970
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:43,457
you guys were like,
"Please get back to that."

1971
00:50:41,788 --> 00:50:43,457
you guys were like,
"Please get back to that."

1972
00:50:43,540 --> 00:50:45,167
[laughter]

1973
00:50:45,250 --> 00:50:46,334
"We need more."

1974
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:50,088
I just read your energy.
It's pretty cool.

1975
00:50:46,418 --> 00:50:50,088
I just read your energy.
It's pretty cool.

1976
00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,466
Feminine wipes are these things
we're supposed to carry around,

1977
00:50:52,549 --> 00:50:54,426
'cause they're like,
"Hey, your vagina smells

1978
00:50:54,509 --> 00:50:55,927
"like it's supposed to,
and it's grossing everyone out.

1979
00:50:54,509 --> 00:50:55,927
"like it's supposed to,
and it's grossing everyone out.

1980
00:50:56,011 --> 00:50:59,431
Can you fix it, please?
Thank you."

1981
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:03,643
And we're like, "Okay,
I'm so sorry to ruin the party."

1982
00:50:59,514 --> 00:51:03,643
And we're like, "Okay,
I'm so sorry to ruin the party."

1983
00:51:03,727 --> 00:51:05,228
People are buying these.

1984
00:51:05,312 --> 00:51:07,898
I don't know anyone who does,
but I just don't understand

1985
00:51:05,312 --> 00:51:07,898
I don't know anyone who does,
but I just don't understand

1986
00:51:07,981 --> 00:51:09,858
why those exist,
yet ball wipes, we're like,

1987
00:51:09,941 --> 00:51:13,153
"Nah, that's cool,
we don't need them."

1988
00:51:09,941 --> 00:51:13,153
"Nah, that's cool,
we don't need them."

1989
00:51:13,236 --> 00:51:15,489
I don't want balls
to smell different,

1990
00:51:15,572 --> 00:51:18,074
but it's just like, we should be
equally shamed, you know?

1991
00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:20,786
Like, a fun,
portable ball wipe?

1992
00:51:18,158 --> 00:51:20,786
Like, a fun,
portable ball wipe?

1993
00:51:20,869 --> 00:51:23,038
Like, why can't that
be a thing?

1994
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:25,165
I don't--
this is the thing.

1995
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:25,165
I don't--
this is the thing.

1996
00:51:25,248 --> 00:51:27,000
I don't want your balls
to smell good.

1997
00:51:27,083 --> 00:51:29,002
I like the--I don't, like,
like the way they smell,

1998
00:51:29,085 --> 00:51:31,838
but I'm like--
I'm not like, "Mmm."

1999
00:51:29,085 --> 00:51:31,838
but I'm like--
I'm not like, "Mmm."

2000
00:51:31,922 --> 00:51:33,006
Like,
I don't want it, like,

2001
00:51:33,089 --> 00:51:36,343
wafting through
my foyer, but, like--

2002
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:37,761
[laughter]

2003
00:51:36,426 --> 00:51:37,761
[laughter]

2004
00:51:37,844 --> 00:51:39,971
I'm not dragging my boyfriend
into Yankee Candle like,

2005
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:43,350
"Can you guys match this scent?
Is there a way?

2006
00:51:40,055 --> 00:51:43,350
"Can you guys match this scent?
Is there a way?

2007
00:51:43,433 --> 00:51:47,062
"With, like, a touch of taint?
Like, just, like, a...

2008
00:51:47,145 --> 00:51:49,314
"Cool, okay,
I'll leave you here.

2009
00:51:47,145 --> 00:51:49,314
"Cool, okay,
I'll leave you here.

2010
00:51:49,397 --> 00:51:51,399
I'll be at
Piercing Pagoda, bye."

2011
00:51:51,483 --> 00:51:52,984
Like, no.

2012
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:55,987
I don't like--I don't enjoy
the scent, the aroma,

2013
00:51:53,068 --> 00:51:55,987
I don't like--I don't enjoy
the scent, the aroma,

2014
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:59,866
but I like that balls smell
exactly how they look.

2015
00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,661
Like, that's...

2016
00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:02,661
Like, that's...

2017
00:52:02,744 --> 00:52:04,037
There's something
cool about that.

2018
00:52:04,120 --> 00:52:06,206
They're just so authentic.

2019
00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,792
They're comfortable
with who they are.

2020
00:52:06,289 --> 00:52:08,792
They're comfortable
with who they are.

2021
00:52:08,875 --> 00:52:10,418
They're like,
"Just, this is who I am.

2022
00:52:10,502 --> 00:52:11,044
Like, take it or leave it."

2023
00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:13,296
Like, I love that.

2024
00:52:11,127 --> 00:52:13,296
Like, I love that.

2025
00:52:13,380 --> 00:52:16,216
There's nothing in nature that
looks it smells more than balls,

2026
00:52:16,299 --> 00:52:17,884
and so they shouldn't
smell good.

2027
00:52:17,968 --> 00:52:18,885
You shouldn't
put anything on them,

2028
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:20,554
because we know
that things are supposed

2029
00:52:18,969 --> 00:52:20,554
because we know
that things are supposed

2030
00:52:20,637 --> 00:52:21,847
to look how they smell.

2031
00:52:21,930 --> 00:52:23,974
We all know that
from Febreze commercials.

2032
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,392
You know, where a person--
they set a person

2033
00:52:24,057 --> 00:52:25,392
You know, where a person--
they set a person

2034
00:52:25,475 --> 00:52:29,229
in a hoarder's apartment,
and they blindfold them,

2035
00:52:29,312 --> 00:52:31,982
and they're like,
"Where am I?

2036
00:52:29,312 --> 00:52:31,982
and they're like,
"Where am I?

2037
00:52:32,065 --> 00:52:32,816
"Am I in a whispering meadow?

2038
00:52:32,899 --> 00:52:35,360
What's happening?"

2039
00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:37,696
And there's, like,
a rat crawling behind them

2040
00:52:35,443 --> 00:52:37,696
And there's, like,
a rat crawling behind them

2041
00:52:37,779 --> 00:52:39,239
in some trash.

2042
00:52:39,322 --> 00:52:42,784
They're like, "What's that?
Is that a bubbling brook?

2043
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,077
What's going on back there?"

2044
00:52:42,868 --> 00:52:44,077
What's going on back there?"

2045
00:52:44,160 --> 00:52:46,997
Then they take it off.
They're like, "Aah!"

2046
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:50,500
Like, it psychologically
fucks you up.

2047
00:52:47,080 --> 00:52:50,500
Like, it psychologically
fucks you up.

2048
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:52,043
Don't Febreze your balls.

2049
00:52:52,127 --> 00:52:54,838
Like, there's
no amount of smell--

2050
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,257
I'm not gonna close my eyes
when I'm down there and be like,

2051
00:52:54,921 --> 00:52:57,257
I'm not gonna close my eyes
when I'm down there and be like,

2052
00:52:57,340 --> 00:53:00,260
"Am I in an Arabian spice
market tonight?"

2053
00:53:00,343 --> 00:53:01,052
Like, no.

2054
00:53:00,343 --> 00:53:01,052
Like, no.

2055
00:53:01,136 --> 00:53:03,805
It's--I know where I am.

2056
00:53:03,889 --> 00:53:06,182
[laughter]

2057
00:53:08,685 --> 00:53:09,978
Your dick is in my eye.

2058
00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:13,148
Like, that's--
I don't really know why.

2059
00:53:10,061 --> 00:53:13,148
Like, that's--
I don't really know why.

2060
00:53:13,231 --> 00:53:14,441
[laughter]

2061
00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:17,611
But, like, everyone knows
about ball smell.

2062
00:53:17,694 --> 00:53:18,987
It's--it's funny to me

2063
00:53:19,070 --> 00:53:20,405
that they attacked
women's smell first,

2064
00:53:20,488 --> 00:53:22,282
because ball smell
has been around forever.

2065
00:53:22,365 --> 00:53:23,992
Even before I knew
what balls were,

2066
00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,911
I knew what ball smell was.

2067
00:53:24,075 --> 00:53:25,911
I knew what ball smell was.

2068
00:53:25,994 --> 00:53:27,287
Like, I knew balls smelled,
and so did you.

2069
00:53:27,370 --> 00:53:30,081
Think about it.
You're a kid, right?

2070
00:53:30,165 --> 00:53:32,167
And you walk into a room
that smells a little weird.

2071
00:53:30,165 --> 00:53:32,167
And you walk into a room
that smells a little weird.

2072
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:34,044
You turn to your friend,
and you're like,

2073
00:53:34,127 --> 00:53:34,878
"It smells like balls
in here, right?"

2074
00:53:34,961 --> 00:53:38,423
Like, that's...

2075
00:53:34,961 --> 00:53:38,423
Like, that's...

2076
00:53:38,506 --> 00:53:41,927
That's a phrase
that was based on your balls

2077
00:53:42,010 --> 00:53:46,097
to convey a generic funk smell.

2078
00:53:42,010 --> 00:53:46,097
to convey a generic funk smell.

2079
00:53:46,181 --> 00:53:47,682
Like, it's been around--

2080
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:49,142
Your grandma could be like,
"It smells like balls in here."

2081
00:53:47,766 --> 00:53:49,142
Your grandma could be like,
"It smells like balls in here."

2082
00:53:49,225 --> 00:53:50,560
You'd be like, "That's
absolutely right, Grandma.

2083
00:53:50,644 --> 00:53:52,479
"Like, that's a normal thing
for you to say right now,

2084
00:53:52,562 --> 00:53:54,940
because it does smell
like balls in here."

2085
00:53:55,023 --> 00:53:56,316
Like, I think Chaucer wrote it.

2086
00:53:55,023 --> 00:53:56,316
Like, I think Chaucer wrote it.

2087
00:53:56,399 --> 00:54:00,362
That's been
around forever, so...

2088
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:02,489
[laughter]

2089
00:54:00,445 --> 00:54:02,489
[laughter]

2090
00:54:02,572 --> 00:54:04,658
So, yeah,
don't Febreze your balls.

2091
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:07,494
[laughter]

2092
00:54:04,741 --> 00:54:07,494
[laughter]

2093
00:54:07,577 --> 00:54:10,455
You guys have been so great.
Thank you so much.

2094
00:54:10,538 --> 00:54:12,832
Here is the last thing
I'll say.

2095
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,209
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.

2096
00:54:12,916 --> 00:54:14,209
[cheers and applause]
Thank you.

2097
00:54:14,292 --> 00:54:16,586
You guys are like,
"Okay, fine."

2098
00:54:16,670 --> 00:54:19,005
You're, like, mad at
the one person who started it.

2099
00:54:19,089 --> 00:54:20,757
I get it.
I've been in an audience before.

2100
00:54:20,840 --> 00:54:23,343
"Really? Again?"

2101
00:54:23,426 --> 00:54:24,594
[laughter]

2102
00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:28,098
I was having sex recently
with my boyfriend and--

2103
00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:28,098
I was having sex recently
with my boyfriend and--

2104
00:54:24,678 --> 00:54:28,098
I was having sex recently
with my boyfriend and--

2105
00:54:28,181 --> 00:54:29,474
I hate saying "boyfriend,"

2106
00:54:29,557 --> 00:54:32,394
'cause it's not like,
"Boyfriend."

2107
00:54:32,477 --> 00:54:33,478
Like, I hate it.

2108
00:54:32,477 --> 00:54:33,478
Like, I hate it.

2109
00:54:33,561 --> 00:54:35,689
My ex--my future
ex-fiancé and I were--

2110
00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:38,024
[laughter]

2111
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:40,318
We can get there and--

2112
00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:40,318
We can get there and--

2113
00:54:40,402 --> 00:54:41,987
No, we were
doing it recently,

2114
00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:44,280
and he said the funniest thing.

2115
00:54:44,364 --> 00:54:46,032
And this is how I know
he watches porn a lot,

2116
00:54:44,364 --> 00:54:46,032
And this is how I know
he watches porn a lot,

2117
00:54:46,116 --> 00:54:48,034
because out of nowhere
he just goes,

2118
00:54:48,118 --> 00:54:50,578
"What would you do
for this dick?"

2119
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,580
[laughter]

2120
00:54:50,662 --> 00:54:52,580
[laughter]

2121
00:54:52,664 --> 00:54:53,665
Great question.

2122
00:54:53,748 --> 00:54:55,834
I was like--
love it.

2123
00:54:55,917 --> 00:54:56,918
[laughter]

2124
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,003
It's like,
"Are you Terry Gross?

2125
00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:58,003
It's like,
"Are you Terry Gross?

2126
00:54:58,086 --> 00:55:00,422
This is amazing."

2127
00:55:00,505 --> 00:55:01,381
[laughter]

2128
00:55:01,464 --> 00:55:03,550
"What would you do
for this dick?"

2129
00:55:01,464 --> 00:55:03,550
"What would you do
for this dick?"

2130
00:55:03,633 --> 00:55:04,884
He doesn't talk like that
either, by the way.

2131
00:55:04,968 --> 00:55:07,887
Like, like, why do you
sound like Batman right now?

2132
00:55:07,971 --> 00:55:09,264
It's just like,

2133
00:55:09,347 --> 00:55:11,975
"What would you do
for this dick?"

2134
00:55:12,058 --> 00:55:13,518
And I was like, "I didn't know
your dick was a Klondike Bar.

2135
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:17,439
Let's start there.
Like, I don't have a plan."

2136
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:17,439
Let's start there.
Like, I don't have a plan."

2137
00:55:17,522 --> 00:55:19,357
I was like,
"I'd do a silly dance?"

2138
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,901
And he's like, "Please stop.
It's going down."

2139
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,901
And he's like, "Please stop.
It's going down."

2140
00:55:21,985 --> 00:55:24,154
I was like, "Okay."

2141
00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:28,742
I didn't know what to say.

2142
00:55:27,157 --> 00:55:28,742
I didn't know what to say.

2143
00:55:28,825 --> 00:55:30,368
He asked it at the wrong time.

2144
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:33,788
You should ask that question
before you have sex, right?

2145
00:55:30,452 --> 00:55:33,788
You should ask that question
before you have sex, right?

2146
00:55:33,872 --> 00:55:34,706
Like, "What would you do
for this dick?"

2147
00:55:34,789 --> 00:55:35,999
He's, like, across the room.

2148
00:55:36,082 --> 00:55:38,126
He's just dangling it,
and I'm just like,

2149
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:40,128
"Anything!
Anything!"

2150
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:40,128
"Anything!
Anything!"

2151
00:55:40,211 --> 00:55:43,089
Like, that's--
that's the way.

2152
00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:46,468
I'm just like, like...
[panting and gasping]

2153
00:55:43,173 --> 00:55:46,468
I'm just like, like...
[panting and gasping]

2154
00:55:46,551 --> 00:55:50,263
That's how I get,
real dick hungry.

2155
00:55:50,346 --> 00:55:54,517
But I just--he asked it
while I had it.

2156
00:55:50,346 --> 00:55:54,517
But I just--he asked it
while I had it.

2157
00:55:54,601 --> 00:55:56,603
He's like, "What would you do
for this dick?"

2158
00:55:56,686 --> 00:55:58,104
I was like, "Whatever I did
ten minutes ago?

2159
00:55:56,686 --> 00:55:58,104
I was like, "Whatever I did
ten minutes ago?

2160
00:55:58,188 --> 00:56:00,440
"That seemed to work.

2161
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:03,693
Sit on your couch
and eat Thai food?"

2162
00:56:00,523 --> 00:56:03,693
Sit on your couch
and eat Thai food?"

2163
00:56:03,777 --> 00:56:05,403
[laughter]

2164
00:56:05,487 --> 00:56:08,281
"Mmm, wait till
'Shark Tank' is over?"

2165
00:56:08,364 --> 00:56:10,450
Like, there's not
a lot of hurdles

2166
00:56:08,364 --> 00:56:10,450
Like, there's not
a lot of hurdles

2167
00:56:10,533 --> 00:56:12,327
between me and your dick,
you know?

2168
00:56:12,410 --> 00:56:15,163
Like, I didn't know
what to say.

2169
00:56:15,246 --> 00:56:18,416
I hope he asks me again,
because I just wasn't prepared,

2170
00:56:15,246 --> 00:56:18,416
I hope he asks me again,
because I just wasn't prepared,

2171
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:21,461
which he won't, because
I've done this joke, so...

2172
00:56:18,500 --> 00:56:21,461
which he won't, because
I've done this joke, so...

2173
00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:22,712
[laughter]

2174
00:56:22,796 --> 00:56:25,256
But if he does, I would--
I--if he says, like,

2175
00:56:25,340 --> 00:56:26,591
"What would you do
for this dick?"

2176
00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:28,301
I'd, like, press play
and be like,

2177
00:56:26,674 --> 00:56:28,301
I'd, like, press play
and be like,

2178
00:56:28,384 --> 00:56:31,888
♪ I would walk 500 miles,
and I would-- ♪

2179
00:56:31,971 --> 00:56:33,389
Like, 'cause I would.

2180
00:56:31,971 --> 00:56:33,389
Like, 'cause I would.

2181
00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:34,641
I love it.

2182
00:56:34,724 --> 00:56:36,101
[laughter]

2183
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:37,102
I do.
I love--I love it.

2184
00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:39,604
It's my best friend.

2185
00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:39,604
It's my best friend.

2186
00:56:39,687 --> 00:56:41,147
[laughter]

2187
00:56:41,231 --> 00:56:43,024
I really--I love
doing dick tricks.

2188
00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:44,150
Like, it's--dicks
are so funny to me,

2189
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:46,236
and they're so fun
to play with,

2190
00:56:44,234 --> 00:56:46,236
and they're so fun
to play with,

2191
00:56:46,319 --> 00:56:47,654
and, like, when you're
with a guy long enough,

2192
00:56:47,737 --> 00:56:49,489
you just, like, start to,
like, do some weird stuff.

2193
00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:51,491
I'm always just like,
"How you doing?"

2194
00:56:49,572 --> 00:56:51,491
I'm always just like,
"How you doing?"

2195
00:56:51,574 --> 00:56:53,243
Like, I just, like,
talk to it,

2196
00:56:53,326 --> 00:56:54,536
and he'll be like,
"What are you saying?"

2197
00:56:54,619 --> 00:56:56,412
I'm like,
"This doesn't concern you!"

2198
00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:57,330
And I'll just be like,
"This is just between us."

2199
00:56:56,496 --> 00:56:57,330
And I'll just be like,
"This is just between us."

2200
00:56:57,413 --> 00:56:59,332
Like, I'll just
do funny things.

2201
00:56:59,415 --> 00:57:02,502
It's fun for everyone,
you know?

2202
00:57:02,585 --> 00:57:05,130
[laughter]

2203
00:57:02,585 --> 00:57:05,130
[laughter]

2204
00:57:05,213 --> 00:57:06,756
"Shh!"
Just talk to it.

2205
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:10,176
But here's those--
here are some dick tricks

2206
00:57:06,840 --> 00:57:10,176
But here's those--
here are some dick tricks

2207
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:13,721
that I just want
to share with you.

2208
00:57:10,260 --> 00:57:13,721
that I just want
to share with you.

2209
00:57:13,805 --> 00:57:14,722
Okay, so first one is,

2210
00:57:14,806 --> 00:57:17,016
okay, so, like,
before you have sex,

2211
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:18,143
when he's just,
like, soft or whatever,

2212
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:18,143
when he's just,
like, soft or whatever,

2213
00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:19,811
you just take his dick,
and you just, like,

2214
00:57:19,894 --> 00:57:21,604
pretend that it's a hose
that's out of control,

2215
00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:25,692
and you're just like,
"Whoa! Whoa!"

2216
00:57:21,688 --> 00:57:25,692
and you're just like,
"Whoa! Whoa!"

2217
00:57:25,775 --> 00:57:28,403
Like, it's so fun.

2218
00:57:28,486 --> 00:57:31,030
He won't like it at first,
but it gets it going.

2219
00:57:28,486 --> 00:57:31,030
He won't like it at first,
but it gets it going.

2220
00:57:31,114 --> 00:57:32,574
Like, you know,
like, he can't--

2221
00:57:32,657 --> 00:57:34,659
you're playing with it,
you know?

2222
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:36,452
He'll roll his eyes,
then he does--

2223
00:57:34,742 --> 00:57:36,452
He'll roll his eyes,
then he does--

2224
00:57:36,536 --> 00:57:38,705
then you know
he's into it, so...

2225
00:57:38,788 --> 00:57:39,956
[laughter]

2226
00:57:40,039 --> 00:57:41,958
The water
starts pumping, so...

2227
00:57:40,039 --> 00:57:41,958
The water
starts pumping, so...

2228
00:57:42,041 --> 00:57:43,418
[laughter]

2229
00:57:43,501 --> 00:57:45,420
And then the other one
is post sex, okay?

2230
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:48,214
This is kind of gross,
but, okay,

2231
00:57:45,503 --> 00:57:48,214
This is kind of gross,
but, okay,

2232
00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,841
you know,
after they do it,

2233
00:57:49,924 --> 00:57:51,134
there's, like,
a little bit still on it?

2234
00:57:51,217 --> 00:57:53,261
I always like to go,
"Ooh, I forgot my lip gloss,"

2235
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:55,972
and just put it on
and be like,

2236
00:57:53,344 --> 00:57:55,972
and just put it on
and be like,

2237
00:57:56,055 --> 00:57:57,557
"Ready to go."

2238
00:57:57,640 --> 00:57:58,892
[laughter]

2239
00:57:58,975 --> 00:58:01,394
It's so fun.
Do it.

2240
00:57:58,975 --> 00:58:01,394
It's so fun.
Do it.

2241
00:58:01,477 --> 00:58:04,564
You got to do it.
Promise me you'll do it.

2242
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:05,690
Oh, God.

2243
00:58:04,647 --> 00:58:05,690
Oh, God.

2244
00:58:05,773 --> 00:58:07,567
So, yeah, I just--
dicks are so fun to me.

2245
00:58:07,650 --> 00:58:09,402
I like to compliment
my guy's dick.

2246
00:58:09,485 --> 00:58:11,112
Like, I did that very early on
in our relationship.

2247
00:58:11,196 --> 00:58:13,573
I complimented him,

2248
00:58:11,196 --> 00:58:13,573
I complimented him,

2249
00:58:13,656 --> 00:58:15,408
and I learned that
there's only so many things

2250
00:58:15,491 --> 00:58:17,493
you can say about a dick
that guys want to hear.

2251
00:58:15,491 --> 00:58:17,493
you can say about a dick
that guys want to hear.

2252
00:58:17,577 --> 00:58:19,329
There's, like, two things.
You can be like,

2253
00:58:19,412 --> 00:58:22,749
"Oh, it's so big,"
or like, "Owie."

2254
00:58:22,832 --> 00:58:24,083
Like, that's kind of it.

2255
00:58:22,832 --> 00:58:24,083
Like, that's kind of it.

2256
00:58:24,167 --> 00:58:28,171
Like, don't stray
too far outside of that,

2257
00:58:28,254 --> 00:58:31,716
but that's hard because, like,
sometimes they're not huge.

2258
00:58:28,254 --> 00:58:31,716
but that's hard because, like,
sometimes they're not huge.

2259
00:58:31,799 --> 00:58:35,136
Like, my boyfriend, not huge--
average, perfectly average.

2260
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:36,679
I love it.
It's wonderful.

2261
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:36,679
I love it.
It's wonderful.

2262
00:58:36,763 --> 00:58:40,099
But it's average, and you can't
celebrate that, you know?

2263
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:43,519
You can't be like, "Oh, my God,
it's so fucking expected.

2264
00:58:40,183 --> 00:58:43,519
You can't be like, "Oh, my God,
it's so fucking expected.

2265
00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:46,606
Like, oh, yes, fill me up
with that adequate cock."

2266
00:58:46,689 --> 00:58:51,611
Like, you know,
that's not good, so...

2267
00:58:46,689 --> 00:58:51,611
Like, you know,
that's not good, so...

2268
00:58:51,694 --> 00:58:53,738
So you lie.
You lie, you know?

2269
00:58:51,694 --> 00:58:53,738
So you lie.
You lie, you know?

2270
00:58:53,821 --> 00:58:55,740
Like, you're in the moment,
and--we were in the moment,

2271
00:58:55,823 --> 00:58:57,700
and I was just like,
"It's so big,"

2272
00:58:57,784 --> 00:58:59,953
and he was just like,
"Oh, is it?"

2273
00:58:57,784 --> 00:58:59,953
and he was just like,
"Oh, is it?"

2274
00:59:00,036 --> 00:59:01,621
[laughter]

2275
00:59:01,704 --> 00:59:03,957
"It's so big?"
And I was like, "Yeah."

2276
00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:08,002
And he was like, "We're looking
at the same thing right now.

2277
00:59:04,040 --> 00:59:08,002
And he was like, "We're looking
at the same thing right now.

2278
00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:09,754
"Come on.
So big?"

2279
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,465
I'm like, "Can you just,
like, suspend disbelief

2280
00:59:09,837 --> 00:59:12,465
I'm like, "Can you just,
like, suspend disbelief

2281
00:59:12,548 --> 00:59:14,509
"for, like, 15 seconds maybe
and think to yourself, like,

2282
00:59:14,592 --> 00:59:16,928
"'Well, maybe she's only
seen baby dicks.

2283
00:59:17,011 --> 00:59:18,972
"'Like, she worked in nursery
her whole life

2284
00:59:17,011 --> 00:59:18,972
"'Like, she worked in nursery
her whole life

2285
00:59:19,055 --> 00:59:21,182
"'and never got a date.
Like, maybe that's it.'"

2286
00:59:21,266 --> 00:59:22,350
But he was like,
"Don't lie."

2287
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:23,935
I'm like,
"Okay, fine, I won't,"

2288
00:59:22,433 --> 00:59:23,935
I'm like,
"Okay, fine, I won't,"

2289
00:59:24,018 --> 00:59:25,770
and then I just stopped
complimenting it altogether,

2290
00:59:25,853 --> 00:59:28,481
'cause I was like,
"I can't say anything."

2291
00:59:28,564 --> 00:59:31,234
But then I realized, "Oh, wait.
I can say it's perfect.

2292
00:59:28,564 --> 00:59:31,234
But then I realized, "Oh, wait.
I can say it's perfect.

2293
00:59:31,317 --> 00:59:32,652
That's what I'll say."

2294
00:59:32,735 --> 00:59:34,404
'Cause that's not a lie.
I think it's perfect.

2295
00:59:34,487 --> 00:59:35,905
So now I say it's perfect.

2296
00:59:34,487 --> 00:59:35,905
So now I say it's perfect.

2297
00:59:35,989 --> 00:59:37,407
So, if you've heard
your dick is perfect,

2298
00:59:37,490 --> 00:59:38,866
it's average or below average.

2299
00:59:38,950 --> 00:59:40,868
So that's just a thing
I want you to know.

2300
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,663
Yes.

2301
00:59:40,952 --> 00:59:43,663
Yes.

2302
00:59:43,746 --> 00:59:44,872
Yes.

2303
00:59:44,956 --> 00:59:46,291
[applause]

2304
00:59:46,374 --> 00:59:49,127
And your lady
has found a loophole.

2305
00:59:46,374 --> 00:59:49,127
And your lady
has found a loophole.

2306
00:59:49,210 --> 00:59:51,879
[laughter]

2307
00:59:51,963 --> 00:59:54,799
But I really--I don't care
that much about dick size.

2308
00:59:51,963 --> 00:59:54,799
But I really--I don't care
that much about dick size.

2309
00:59:54,882 --> 00:59:56,968
I know it's a thing,
but I don't know.

2310
00:59:57,051 --> 00:59:59,345
If I love someone enough,
I really don't care,

2311
00:59:59,429 --> 01:00:00,513
and my friends are like,
"Yeah, right."

2312
01:00:00,596 --> 01:00:01,848
And I'm like,
"I really--I don't."

2313
01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:04,017
And they're like,
"What if he had a micropenis?"

2314
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:07,645
And I'm like, "I don't know.
There's other things."

2315
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:07,645
And I'm like, "I don't know.
There's other things."

2316
01:00:07,729 --> 01:00:09,981
Like, you can work around it.
Like, you can cheat on him.

2317
01:00:10,064 --> 01:00:12,859
You can use toys.

2318
01:00:10,064 --> 01:00:12,859
You can use toys.

2319
01:00:12,942 --> 01:00:16,070
No, there's other things
you can--you have your hands.

2320
01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:17,780
You have your tongue.

2321
01:00:16,154 --> 01:00:17,780
You have your tongue.

2322
01:00:17,864 --> 01:00:19,032
You know, at least you don't
have a microtongue, you know?

2323
01:00:19,115 --> 01:00:20,199
Celebrate that.

2324
01:00:20,283 --> 01:00:22,452
If you have a micropenis,

2325
01:00:22,535 --> 01:00:23,703
just be proud
of your big tongue,

2326
01:00:22,535 --> 01:00:23,703
just be proud
of your big tongue,

2327
01:00:23,786 --> 01:00:26,664
'cause if you had,
like, a tiny little...

2328
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:28,374
How gross would that be
if a guy was like,

2329
01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:30,877
"Hey, baby,"

2330
01:00:28,458 --> 01:00:30,877
"Hey, baby,"

2331
01:00:30,960 --> 01:00:32,545
like a little gecko,

2332
01:00:32,628 --> 01:00:34,797
but he just had a huge cock,
but he's like...

2333
01:00:34,881 --> 01:00:37,383
You'd be like,
"Where's micro? I need him."

2334
01:00:34,881 --> 01:00:37,383
You'd be like,
"Where's micro? I need him."

2335
01:00:37,467 --> 01:00:39,052
Like, that is so gross.

2336
01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:41,804
[laughter]

2337
01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:41,804
[laughter]

2338
01:00:41,888 --> 01:00:44,724
So at least your tongue's cool,
you know?

2339
01:00:44,807 --> 01:00:47,101
[laughter]

2340
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:48,353
I did get in trouble for lying.

2341
01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:48,353
I did get in trouble for lying.

2342
01:00:48,436 --> 01:00:49,854
You shouldn't lie,
and I know that.

2343
01:00:49,937 --> 01:00:51,689
He was--we talked
about it a lot.

2344
01:00:51,773 --> 01:00:52,440
My boyfriend was like,
you know, "Don't lie"--

2345
01:00:52,523 --> 01:00:53,941
Like, girls don't know

2346
01:00:52,523 --> 01:00:53,941
Like, girls don't know

2347
01:00:54,025 --> 01:00:56,569
because they don't
get compliments down there,

2348
01:00:56,652 --> 01:00:57,820
so they, like,
don't get it,

2349
01:00:57,904 --> 01:00:59,447
what it feels like
to be lied to.

2350
01:00:57,904 --> 01:00:59,447
what it feels like
to be lied to.

2351
01:00:59,530 --> 01:01:01,074
And I was like,
"Yeah, you know, I'd--

2352
01:01:01,157 --> 01:01:03,117
we'd like some, you know?"

2353
01:01:03,201 --> 01:01:04,410
And he was like,
"Really?

2354
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,246
Like, what would--
what would I even say?"

2355
01:01:04,494 --> 01:01:07,246
Like, what would--
what would I even say?"

2356
01:01:07,330 --> 01:01:08,581
"I don't know.

2357
01:01:08,664 --> 01:01:12,001
Like--like, we're tight
or whatever?"

2358
01:01:08,664 --> 01:01:12,001
Like--like, we're tight
or whatever?"

2359
01:01:12,085 --> 01:01:13,211
He was like, "Really?

2360
01:01:13,294 --> 01:01:14,587
"I wouldn't even
think to say that.

2361
01:01:14,670 --> 01:01:16,839
That's crazy.
That's--"

2362
01:01:16,923 --> 01:01:21,511
[laughter]

2363
01:01:16,923 --> 01:01:21,511
[laughter]

2364
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:24,680
I'm like, "To me
or girls in general?

2365
01:01:21,594 --> 01:01:24,680
I'm like, "To me
or girls in general?

2366
01:01:24,764 --> 01:01:28,518
Like, what's the vibe here?"

2367
01:01:28,601 --> 01:01:31,437
And he was like,
"No, babe, you're perfect."

2368
01:01:28,601 --> 01:01:31,437
And he was like,
"No, babe, you're perfect."

2369
01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:32,730
And I was like, "Yes, okay.

2370
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,441
"Oh, fuck you, okay?
That's mine."

2371
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,441
"Oh, fuck you, okay?
That's mine."

2372
01:01:35,525 --> 01:01:37,527
He was like, "Owie?"

2373
01:01:37,610 --> 01:01:38,111
I'm like, "Enough."

2374
01:01:38,194 --> 01:01:40,446
[laughter]

2375
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:42,407
New York, thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

2376
01:01:40,530 --> 01:01:42,407
New York, thank you so much
for coming out tonight.

2377
01:01:42,490 --> 01:01:43,574
You're so great.

2378
01:01:43,658 --> 01:01:45,952
{\an8}Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

2379
01:01:46,035 --> 01:01:46,953
{\an8}I love you.

2380
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:48,371
{\an8}Thank you.

2381
01:01:47,036 --> 01:01:48,371
{\an8}Thank you.

2382
01:01:48,454 --> 01:01:49,622
{\an8}<i>- ♪ I do not take,</i>
<i>I do not take ♪</i>

2383
01:01:49,705 --> 01:01:51,582
{\an8}<i>♪ No matter how you shine ♪</i>

2384
01:01:51,666 --> 01:01:54,585
{\an8}<i>♪ I cannot take a gift</i>
<i>that isn't true ♪</i>

2385
01:01:51,666 --> 01:01:54,585
{\an8}<i>♪ I cannot take a gift</i>
<i>that isn't true ♪</i>

2386
01:01:54,669 --> 01:01:56,379
{\an8}<i>♪ I love myself,</i>
<i>I love myself ♪</i>

2387
01:01:56,462 --> 01:01:58,005
{\an8}<i>♪ Too much to love you ♪</i>

2388
01:01:58,089 --> 01:02:01,551
{\an8}<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

2389
01:01:58,089 --> 01:02:01,551
{\an8}<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>

2390
01:02:01,634 --> 01:02:05,012
{\an8}<i>♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,</i>
<i>ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪</i>